Thursday, December 31, 2009

You Got to Love New Years

Like the year before last, this year went by faster then i could keep track of. It's funny how I can look back at all my memories from this year and just shake my head and roll my eyes. Every year i make resolutions to keep my head straight and do better in school, lose weight, and not fall head over heels for a guy only to land on my butt later on. Yet I never do. Except this year I managed to try to do better then I usually do. By the end of the year I did manage to do better in school, having most of my grades this semester with B's, lose some weight, and well... the boy is still a work in progress. Hey, don't forget I am a confused and agitated (very overly opiniatated to the point I may seem insane!) teenage girl who has way too much time on her hands. So of course the whole boy issue will always be a problem.
Crap, I'm rambling.
Anyway, like every year I will set my resolutions, the same resolutions I have set every year since... 5th grade. Lose weight, do better in school, and try to look after my heart better in the near future. The last one will be much easier if I try staying away from smart, arrogant, intelligent types who enjoy track and teasing sarcastic, slightly insane latina's like myself.
Great! That will be cake!
Whatever, I got to go and wait for the ball to drop in NYC on tv (hopefully one day I will be able to see it in real life when I'm older!). Happy New Year...

Friday, December 18, 2009

Winter Break

Yesterday was finals and guess who got the second best score on her final in their AP Lit. class??? Me. Surprisingly. I know what you're thinking... second best isn't such a big deal. but it is if it means, besides one other girl that got only 2 questions right then I did, that I did better then everyone else in my class. I mean it's AP Lit. meaning the whole class is filled with brains who see B's as D's and C's as F's. I got a better score then those perfect girls with the bows in their hair who are in show choir and cheer of pom and with perfect hair. I did better then them... Well, you could just imagine my face when my teacher told me I got the second best score in the class. I looked like I was just proposed to by the very hot Korean boy band SS501. It was surreal as I walked off in a daze and began to suppress the strange urge to break dance (which would be weird on account of I don't know how to so it would probably turn out looking more like I was having a seizure).
I won't be able to find out my grades until I get them in the mail later in the break I'm assuming but I do know I might end up taking Saturday school to make up the D I know I'll end up getting in Geometry... If I knew I could get away with it (and if I had no conscience because I know I would end up feeling bad eventually) I would shoot almost everyone in my class because if it wasn't for their crap I had to suffer every week day then I would have gotten at least a freaken C in the class. Bejesus! They all just couldn't shut the fuck up for one minute for me to concentrate and there were many times where I almost ended up picking a fight with them. I mean just because they are all content to spend their lives as future McDonald employees doesn't mean they have to drag me down with them.
Last year I had to go to summer school because of a horrible teacher now I probably end up doing it again because of a horrible class.
Well now on to better news. I will be finally taking my permit test this Tuesday. Thank the lord! i also received my grades for driver's ed and in the class course I ended up with an A and a B+ on my driving (apparently I was too fast for my driving instructor but I never lost control but I will never tell my parents this little detail because the last thing my parents need to hear is that I like driving fast).
Well that's it for today I'm gonna go try to get past my writer's block and resume writing my novel.wish me luck!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Type B

Good news!!! Last Saturday was my last driver's ed drive! I spent two hours driving on the high way and I didn't crash! Ya Me! lol
Bad news I still don't have my permit. Apparently my mother wants to wait until she gets the title of her new car so she can go to the DVM to get her licence plate at the same time I go get my permit.
Whatever! Eventually the woman will have to go to the freaken DVM during winter break (I hope to GOD!)
Anyway, school has been... well school. Same faces everyday with not so much exciting details to mention except one of my best friends and I (while being bored and hell) came up with two categories to place everyone in the world. Type A and Type B. Now which one do you think you are?
Type A is almost everyone in the world. It's pretty much a sheep. A random face in the crowd. Someone not at all different. Mentally. Type B is someone genuinely different. No. not the people who dress up in weird cloths or all in black or cuts themselves or whatnot. No... those people are definitely Type A's big time. Actually they're the worse kind! The Type A's that desire to be Type B's. Type B's do not try to be different (actually some even try not to be) they just are. They can look like anybody, act like anybody, you see it's all in the mind. Mentally they think differently then everybody else they know. They are the spots of colors here and there in a boring gray crowd of people. You see? They don't mean to be different they just... are. ^_^
I'm a definite Type B and so are my two best friends. We've been best friends for a while now and we haven't ever really fought or distrusted one another. It's great and I am thankful for their friendship.
Now on to some important business to take care of...
Tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY! Yes, yours truly is turning 17 on Tuesday! Bejesus the year went by fast! You know i don't feel all that different... actually sometimes I feel still 12 years old and yet other times I catch myself becoming a 50 year old surrounded by a bunch of 5 year olds (even my parents make me feel that way at times) I guess it's just complicated or it's just these teenage hormones! To believe in just one more year... I'll be 18 years old. Ha! I'll be freaken 18 year old with a 12 to 50 year old mind. Funny... and sad at the same time. Tomorrow one of my best friends and I will ride the bus to my house, we'll hang out, then when every one's ready my parents will pick up my other best bff and my bff's little sister (she's only 14 but she's sweet, she reminds me of the lil sister I sometimes wished i had) and we're all heading to The cheesecake factory. it's going to be great, I'm not that much of a party girl, all i need if my family and a few of my close friends with me to have a happy 17Th birthday... I know I am such a dork. Or maybe I'm just a true Type B...
Crap I got to go I need to go back to school in a bit for a stagecraft performance anyway talk to you later!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Things REALLY Do Happen For A Reason

First things first, my father finally saw the light (or got sick and tired of my whining) and gave me an ultimatum... go to driver's ed and you can get your permit. When this happen I admit it was sort of bittersweet in a way because in the end I got what I wanted but now I have to go to my school's driver's ed class three times a week for two freaken hours until December. Well thanks dad!


Well I can tell you this that is quite surprising. It's a freaken blessing in disguise. Turns out driver's ed isn't so bad on the account of these reasons:
1. I'll be able to drive every Saturday... though the bad thing is I'll have to wake up at 8 am but that's not important much.
2. I don't have to ride the bus after school
3. There is a really cute guy in my driver's ed.


But that's not even the greatest surprise... the real surprise is that when a person turns seventeen and they get their permit they only need to wait 30 DAYS to get their licence!


there is only one thing to say to this:


HOLY FREAKEN CRAP! When the teacher told me this I just about wet myself! (well not literally the cute boy was in the room!) But anyway I was totally thrilled I did have to contain myself until class was over, I got home, and was in my room blaring Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield and dancing in front of my mirror with a brush to my hand looking like freaken Hilary duff in the Lizzie mcguire movie. (do not ask me why I know that, you should already know I'm a freak and I adore the movie)

I guess it all did work out in the end because now when I turn 17 in December I can go to the DVM and get my permit and in January I'll be able to get my licence. so yay me!

Now all I need is a car.... bejesus, I hope my dad isn't going to sell my sister's old Honda (the man is sure thinking about it).

Now let's talk about weight. I still weigh the same last time I checked but I haven't been working out for a wile now, well at least not consistently. And let me tell you my mother is not happy about this fact and she likes it to be known to me every single day. The woman is sooooo annoying it is not even funny.

It's just school, though. I never have time to work out and when I do I'm just so tired. But the night after last after looking at my grades (they were pretty good by the way) I decided to focus less on school right now and start getting back in shape.

I came up with a simple plan that I hope to sweet jesus it will work.
I lose five pounds every month.

Pretty simple I just hope I can do it.

And if my plan does beat the odds and work then by May I will be my ideal goal weight.

On to sadder news, though. My cousin, Eddie. It was just last year that he died and last Sunday was his memorial. I saw his parents at the church and like usual my heart ached for the family. Eddie's mother and little sis are going to therapy now and his father is just so sweet and kind, a good hearted man who is trying to be strong for everyone and it was just a lot to take in. Let me point out that i am not a religious person, I like to refer to myself as agnostic so you can imagine my being uncomfortable being in a church. My family are non-practicing catholics and so I had to attend a mass that day and guess what I was feeling?

Sheer and utter boredom. You see I get really bored, really fast and attending a mass not to mention that said mass being all in freaken Spanish, so I couldn't even understand a word and it just about put me to sleep (or gave my the itch to reach for ipod in my coat pocket). So there i was, listing to this two hour speech in Spanish by a priest who liked to tell his audience to kneel, stand up, sing, pray and give money to the church. Plus he really liked to hear himself talk I'm guessing.

But finally we got to the stuff that I was really there for. Everyone went outside (wearing Eddie T-shits) and holding white balloons they all set them free like at his funeral. It was so sad and I hugged his mom and dad and ended up crying like a baby as I watched the balloons fly away. While I witness the scene and felt the sadness wash over me like some tidal wave I had the sudden thought of something.

If things were reverse, like if I had died instead and not Eddie... would have Eddie have felt sad for me. Would he feel as i feel? Lord, I don't know. I mean I don't even know why I feel this way for him. In a way I might though, I feel sad that he was so young and talented but his life ended so soon. But I also feel bad for the parents because they lost their only son to something so trivial and having the outcome of it being that the court just let his murderer go...

I mean they didn't even DEPORT the dude! What the hell is up with that???

And the thing that makes me just go up and tears is that... sometimes I feel that i should have died instead of Eddie. I mean he had the great family, he was popular, and athletic... and I'm well, me.

I never really told anyone this but when I was at the hospital last year the day Eddie was killed and was on life support... When I was in his hospital room I imagined something. After I gave his parents a hug and was watching him lying in bed like he was asleep, with tears in my eyes... I imagined asking god to bring Eddie back and that he could take me instead. And then I pictured Him hearing my prayer and taking my soul instead of Eddie's. I saw myself in the hospital room with everyone and just suddenly falling to the ground, dead, while Eddie woke up.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Mr. and Mrs. Arrogant

I'm going to be seventeen in December, now what do you think an almost seventeen year old would be doing at this time in her life? Hmm? Driving? Getting her first car? Having an after-school job and saving up for college?

Living a typical teenage life?

Well, guess what I'm not.

I don't even have my freaken driver's permit!!!

I probably won't until I'm freaken twenty!

And i am completely serious.

Dead. Serious.

You know, parents are the most arrogant son of a bitches ever. I mean do any of them ever freaken listen to their kids? Because I don't know if they get that even though we're young and they've been here longer doesn't mean we're all not all human beings. Real people who can think and not always just fucking rebellious brats that don't have minds. and you can quote me.

This is how my parents think of me. And i have my older siblings to thank for that. It's because they turned their lives into utter crap is because I can't live mine! Since my sister got her driver's licence she's been in like four car crashes. Now my parents think that if I get a car then I will go all crazy and crash things and cause havoc!

Do i seem like that sort of person? Hell freaken no! I said in my third post of this blog that I have no temptation what's so ever to get into trouble. Hell! I've even drove before with my sister and her boyfriend and I drove like a grandma!

It's like they don't even know me. I am so different from my siblings that I'm sometimes think I was adopted. I actually did when I was about the age of five. Today, when my father drew me to tears of frustration and anger, my friend had to comfort me as I was staying at her house.

There are so many reasons I NEED a car.

1. This bitchy black girl hates me and causes my whole bus to be extremely frightened of her.
2. I do not like freshman.
3. Everyone in my grade is getting a car or their licence already!
4. I am in serious need of a job.
5. If I have a job I save up for college.
6. I need a car so I won't be constantly near my parents because they are tearing me up inside (read past blogs to understand this).


Get the freaken picture?

Because my parents don't seem to.

They even told my friend (the phone was on speaker and I was refusing to talk to her so she did on my behalf) that they weren't ready to let me go. Well FUCKING TOUGH!

One question for my oh so suffocating parents: Do you really want to be around me so much when I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING BLOODY GUTS!

Because believe me I'm getting there.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Poetry for the Poet

I started this blog on account of I wanted to bring out the injustice that a distant cousin's parents had when my cousin was murdered. How they just let the guy who killed him go free. It got me so angry that i just wanted to scream it to the whole world. Yet later I came back to my blog and started talking about my life and how ridicules it really is and i also wanted to show people my poetry. Well, after looking over my posts I realized i haven't posted much of my poetry here so I've decided to get to it now. Hope you like it.

(Some other poems about the boy that walked away...)

Not Enough

As I stand there
My lips tremble
My eyes show fear

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

I’m dangling by a thread
My grasp is slipping
My arm grows numb
My fingers
They are bleeding
Scarlett covers my eyes
My tears can’t seem to wash them away

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

My voice is no more
Just like my heart
It stops beating
And now I am falling
And now I am falling
Into a well
I am screaming
Running towards hell
My body burns
With the hurt of despair
It crashes!


Sorry, I got to go. Have a great summer!


The clock continues to tick
And like time… I wish I could disappear

(I came up with this when it was raining and i was heading for my second period, it was the third day of school and I finally saw him. By the time I got out of the rain I was drenched but I didn't care, all i was focus on doing at the time was trying to keep the poem in my head until i could get a pen and paper to write it down. The poem came to me like wind blowing in my hair as I watched him)


Standing in the rain
Watching you walk away
Rain drops mixed with tears, dribbling down my face
Peaceful sadness fills the air.

(I wrote this poem on account of I only see him for like a minute a day)


I breathe in your scent
Relishing the moments we have
My grasp, desperate and famished
I never want to part

I can’t get enough of you
You suffocate me with your presence
Strangle me with your intelligence
And burn me with the devotion I harbor for you
I am yours

Yet do you fathom this?
Catch the truth behind my eyes
And see behind the disguise?
That my feelings grow deeper
Then infatuation or lust
Friendship and trust
It could only be love, though, one sided

Except your feelings, will only ever be platonic
For the likes of me
But a gal can dream
Yes, she may even scheme
Only to catch glimpse of him…

Every day, for just a few seconds

(I wrote this last one after watching Knowing)


Fire roaring with laughter

It consumes us all; Like a deadly sin

The laughter will never stop

It has no mercy

No pity; None at all

Friday, September 11, 2009

Two of A Kind

I remember the first time I heard about Sylvia Plath. I was online, taking a quiz (I heart quizzes!) called what famous poet do you identify with or something like that. Turns out I identify a lot with Sylvia Plath.

From there I decided to do a research project for English Lit. on her later on. When I did I began to accomulate very interesting info about her. I even saw the movie. By the end of my project (which I got and A freaken plus!) I came to three conclusions. 1. Sylvia had real talent that was unique and inspiring. 2. Sylvia had obvious problems that nobody really wanted to admit that. And 3. Her Husband Ted Hughes, is a bastard.

Syl's husband and poet, Ted was like my first love. Completely unhealthy, uber traumatic, and totally crazy. It was a diaster waiting to happen.

But I admit it wasn't until I started reading Your Own, Sylvia (a biograghy about Syl, written in poetry. Neat, huh?) Well, it wasn't until I read the book that I found simularities between Syl and I. Besides our love of poetry, she also had a sort of need for the oppisote sex. The girl went from one boy to the next, boy-crazy like me. Sylvia was also afraid of the aspect of marriage. She didn't want to settle down, she wanted to write and travel, accomplish her dreams, set out into her future. That's what Sylvia wanted, just like me.

I'm also gradually losing myself, my grasp to sanity slipping as I begin to get older. I can feel it inside me the change of emotions. The strength of them lashing through my body. The cold violence of it all scares the living daylights out of me but what can I do? How can I tell anyone that I'm starting to break down after all these years of being the strong one in my family. How?

The fighting and resentment, the treatening and cursing. There all tearing down my mental walls of stability. Making me crumble with tears and scream with anger, lash out like my mother, after every arguement I get into with my mum or my mum and dad fighting.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Just like Sylvia.

At times I plead insanity
Feeling like I’m going to crack
Like I’m going to off myself; Like Sylvia Plath
Will He bring mercy on me?

Thursday, September 3, 2009


Last week... I started hearing voices in my head.

I know you're thinking... the girl lost it.

Uh no. Well, at least I hope not.

From what I've researched so far (I Googled it) I'm suffering from a sleep condition called "Sleep Paralysis".

Definition: Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false".In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

Basically, I'm being attacked by imaginary creatures while I'm completely conscious but my body happens to be asleep. Causing me to be literally trapped by my own body because it's paralyzed.

It happen just last week on Sunday night (or should i say Monday morning, it was around 12) and hour later I was suddenly forced out of my dream and awakened. But my here's the thing, my body didn't wake with me. And here's the WORST thing, there was a voice, some creature-like voice saying, "Listen to me, listen to me." He'd call my name and repeat "listen to me!" I was completely freaked but finally after struggling for who knows how long my body was just released and i could move again and open my eyes. I was scared and out of it. I cried and slept with my Teddy that night. Scared shitless.

When I told my friend she was freaked too but advised me to next time listen to the creature, to hear what it had to say. So, stupidly, i did. That night it happen again and this time i listened, I tried not to struggle but as soon as the creature had my attention... it started talking about God and the Devil and a war. And the creature sounded like it was on the Devil's side. Instantly, i thought i was being possessed. My family's catholic so yeah. I'm not though, actually I'm an agnostic. Someone who pretty much believes there is something out there like a higher being but doesn't know exactly what that is. Anyway,after what happen to me i immediately went on my computer and started Googling what happen to me. Eventually i found out about Sleep Paralysis.

Since last week that thing has been visiting every other day or so ( fucking up my sleep routine and scaring me shitless) but last night it was different. I awoke with something on me. I saw it. That creature, I saw the thing but my eyes, I knew they were closed. It was terrible looking and it was sitting on top of me and strangling me. I swear i could feel the thing on me, it's voice repeating the first night's mantra: "Listen to me! Listen to me!" I thought i was going to die but i eventually broke free (practically jumping off my bed in the process) i then quickly turned on the light and ran to my bedroom mirror, only to find what i expected: Redness all over the area on my collar bone.

You see when i broke free i noticed a warmness on my chest. This warmness is a usual thing for me on account of i harbor this skin condition called Dermatographia. When you're skin is hyper sensitive and you blotch up when place pressure on it.

Okay I'm not thinking that the creature was actually there, I'm thinking that i was unconsciously choking myself.

Which is scarier when you think about it.

Today at school when i told my friends, they of course got freaked and a guy friend of mine actually was trying to comfort me because i was still sort of freaked as well.

Anyway, that's what happened last night... i wonder what will happen tonight...

Are you freaked out yet?

How the hell do you think i feel?!

Whatever, my mum is giving me sleeping pills in hopes i will be too knocked out to wake up before my body does.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Surprise - Surprise... Not!

I just finished my second day of school. Which wasn't so bad as my first one. I would have blogged yesterday about my first day of school and i was planning on doing that but as soon as i got home I was in my bed and asleep. I was completely knocked out (reason being because i didn't sleep a wink the previous night) i even slept through my alarm that i had set for an hour later before i took my nap.

Anyway, yeah my first day of school was a series of surprises. And here's the thing" i never like surprises unless it's my birthday. I was just beginning to enjoy myself until 3rd hour Stagecraft (you know for the people who work backstage during plays). For once i wanted to experience how it felt being behind the stage then on it, like i've always have since 1st grade, either for choir or a play.

Well i guess the old saying is true. Curiosity did kill the cat! Or for me curiosity kicked my ass!

So there i was in the auditorium, sitting in my usual lonesome, with a book in hand and ignoring everyone as much as i can and then... i hear a familiar voice...


I just up and died right then and i would have stayed dead but as cruel and unusual punishment the great beyond sent me back before anybody could notice. When Rodent saw me he was surprised, too but not for the same reason. Apparently i didn't get the memo that not alot of girls did stagecraft. I was the only girl. With around twelve guys. Yet to my utter delight today another girl showed up. That whole first day i didn't talk to Rodent and i ignored him. Well except for once when our teacher was showing us the "ropes" backstage and Rodent held the door for me. I was the last to leave and when i saw him holding the door for me i hesitated. I didn't want to let him do something nice for me. He's been a complete ass to me and i refused him but Rodent became stubborn and kept holding the door for me. Finally, i just walked through.

WHen i told my friend this she was like "So what? Did you want him to just like shut the door in your face?" And i fumed and told her "YES!"

And then today when our teacher continued to show us around and we went upstairs we had to go up a freaken tall spiral staircase and when we finally reached the third floor we had to go up a ladder to the 4th floor! And just to let you know i am deathly afraid of heights and i admit when i had to go back down the ladder...

I freaked out.


But i made it (after the teacher coached me down) but by the time I got to the second floor i had to stop a sec to pull myself together. When i did though, Rodent stopped on the stairs to ask how i was. And he looked worried. He was like why did you freak out? and i was like that's none of your business! Just go and leave me alone! He didn't move though so i said, Go! Or i'll push you down the stairs! (note: i wouldn't, i'm a complete bluffer but nobody knows this because I can be very convincing)

He left and i was confused afterwards on account of his concern and willingness to talk to me. I thought he hated me too but apparently the feeling isn't really mutual. So i've decided that on Monday i'm going to ask Rodent if he knows about what his sister said to me last year. If he doesn't, i guess i can't blame him all that much and hate him. But if he does... i'm gonna ask why.

After that big slap in the face i got another when i entered my 5th hour and locked eyes with my ex-bff. The one i had when i was a shallow, popular snob. Like her.

During the summer after 7th grade, when my world was crumbling and i was in my darkest period my ex-bff traded me in for one of my ex boyfriends. I have no idea why the sudden change of heart that she made of our friendship but she just did. And it really hurt, especially at that certain time.

When i saw her i went and sat on the opposite side of the classroom and put my face in a book. Mentally giving her the finger and calling her every bad word imaginable. Afterwards when i entered my last class i saw my ex- crush (oh, lets call him Cover Boy because of his long eyelashes). This isn't really a bad thing except for the fact that he might possibly think i'm crazy.

Which i am but not the bad kind.

Hey, it's not my fault i crushed on a guy who's really good friends with a girl and i got extremely jealous. And he might have noticed. I don't know, he might have. So every time i see his face i am constantly reminded about my behavior in the past. Which is embarrassing.

God hates me, or likes to see me miserable. Either him/her or some other higher being. I think i might have been a terrible person in my past life because there is no freaken reason that all these bad stuff always happens to me. I mean i am not a bad person and believe it or not i do have a good heart but nothing good ever happens to me.

I should stop admitting my fears because it seems like every time i reveal them they come true.

I'm pretty much screwing myself over when i do.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Last Day Of Summer. (insert horror flick girl scream here)

There is only a few hours of summer left for me I am sad to say. Pissed off actually. But I always am so that isn't new.

Anyway, tomarrow I will see him. The boy that walked away from me on the last day of school. What will happen when i first see him. Will he say something? Apoligize maybe? Say he doesn't feel the same way? Or try to act normal and pretend it never happen? Or worse... ignore me...

This is what I'll be freaking out about the whole night. Yup, while everyoone on this side of the world is sleeping I will be freaking out about him. And, yeah, everything else i always freak about on the last night of summer.

Who's in my classes, who's in my lunch hour, are my friends going to be in my classes, will people i hate be in them instead? That sort of things. Oh, bejesus! Why is it that i hate drama but it always seems to find me?

Crap i just copied that off a movie. Anyway, wish me luck...

Psh, I'm screwed.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Bloody Enrollment!

After returning from Mexico and finally seeing one of my best friends after 5 weeks and feeling very sisterhood of the traveling pants here... School's going to start soon.

I only have 6 days of summer left and I am freaking out! Yesterday, was enrollment. Oh the forbidding, dreaded enrollment. Seeing classmates after a long peaceful summer and having to pretend you missed them.

I didn't.


I was still in the car while my mom was trying to find a stupid parking and i had already saw three people i didn't much prefer to see. And the lines! The long ass lines that take FOREVER! That placed in hot, sweaty, stinky, no air conditioned hallways... it's a very rude awakening to a kid after a wonderful summer.

Enrollment is a time for questions because it's a new grade and every kid has them. My mother didn't much agree with me though. Shocker.

My mother can be very selfish at times and yesterday was one of those times. We started the day being already late to enrollment because she had to freaken clean the house (like the house couldn't wait!). Then when we were getting me a class shirt she got stuck picking between a small or a medium. She was all like " the medium is so big! My daughter's not that big. you're not that big! Let me see the small... oh this looks right. (She glances at the two girl I knew from school that were at the booth and selling them) Wait, are you two wearing a small? (The two girls nod) Oh, no this could never fit you! it's too small!"

oh hell why doesn't the women just say to the whole student body and their parents that "hey everybody, I have a fat daughter!"

Afterwards, because i had no idea where my freaken classed were i was looking for someone who could possibly show me around but my mother was being a total bitch and whining about this and that and wanting to leave. I was sick of it! I was sick of her! I was already sick of seeing faces I really hadn't wanted to see and still don't want to see. Let's face it I would have been happy if I never saw those people again. Especially, one face.

A boy's face. A certain boy that I have given several nicknames to in the past but have finally come to one that finally suits him. Rodent!

You see Rodent and I became friends during the beginning of 7th grade and then after winter break I was suddenly overcome by strange feelings for him. Suddenly I was beginning to adore his slightly high, awkward tone of voice, his baby brown eyes and i would just love how his cheeks were always the same rosy shade of pink. He was so adorable and reminded me of a cute little animal. A critter. A Chipmunk, actually. And so i started calling him that, which he hated but it was all in good fun. But in the middle of eight grade for some stupid reason I told Rodent that I liked him more then a friend. By doing that I pretty much messed up our friendship big time. The easy friendship started to crumble in on itself. Ever since I started calling him Chipmunk we had always been teased when we were together. We had always ignored it in the past but after I told him what all his friends had said about us was true... it got to him. I guess he couldn't handle the teasing anymore, espeacially when everyone started noticing my weight gain.

I was hurt and mad. I know i should have ended our friendship once i started hearing what they were calling us (note: i refuse to repeat the names) but some part of me just didn't want to let go. But then his sister got involved (note: there is no way in hell that I am i ever going to repeat what happen) and after that happen... I couldn't even look at him.

So for months I stayed away from him, when I saw him in the halls I'd run the other way. Not of fright (please, he's just like 5'6 or so, I'm more scared of his sister) but out of embarassment and hate. When i see his face I get mad and angry. I"m just full of hate and I need to punch something really bad. Pretty much I only run away because I don't want to accidently commit murder. jk you know that after my cousin died because of a fight I would never get in a fight. But really, i would most likely make a scene, and don't I make enough drama for myself anway?

So back to enrollment, with me searching for someone's help and my mother whining behind me I enter another hall. And then one of my worst nightmares came true. Rodent and his sister, looking straight at me. I did a quik double take and my heart and ego crashed into one another. And then like a good little girl i bolted out of there leaving my mother in the dust. I didn't stop until i reached the car. Actually, I bet that if my mother hadn't had the keys (and even though I don't have a permit or licence yet, sadley even though I'm gonna turn 17 soon!) i probably, most likley, okay, definitly in a freaken heart beat would have drove home and left my mother at school.

Hey, the woman has legs!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


so here i am in a small dot of a town in the middle of mexico that makes my town seem like new york. Damn this place is so mexican that when i got a hamburger (last time i came they didn`t even know what a freaken hamburger was! so this is a major improvment)they put a pouch of chili sauce in my bag. and i was like what the hell? who would eat a freaken hamburger with CHILI SAUCE! it`s a hamburger not a taco! anyway for the first few days i actually just stayed inside my grandma`s house. couped up with a book. but not by choice though, of course. the reason being my spanish speaking skills are none existente. my problem is that i can understand people speaking spanish but i can`t speak it. i know crazy, right? it`s like being freaken mute! but tuesday i finally got to go out with a cousin of mine who live here and she introduced me to a bunch of people. i even met two teens that could speak english too and it was such a relief it was like i found a lost friend. i even saw a few cute looking boys and that was extremely fun (even though ì haven`t truely recovered by who shall remain nameless!).

i had lot`s of fun yesturday it was almost like i was actually feeling like a normal teenager. it was nice. so nice actualloy that i cried that night. of happiness and sadness because it`s gonna end soon. like christmas. lol

on the bighter note i lost 12 pounds last month. yay me! not so bright is that everyone in this town does nothing but eat and i hate it. i mean like all my aunts are like, gome, gome. eat, eat. and i`m like no.

ha everyone thinks i`m like going anerexic and it`s getting on my nerves.
so yeah i gotta go this town only has computer cafe`s and i am paying for this and most of the keys are unfamiliar because it has all these spanish signs on it so bye!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

R.I.P. Michael Jackson... R.I.P. My Future!!!

You would so not guess what happen to me this past week. First, i started my monday on the last day of summer school expeirencing dejavu, 2 times. Second, i dreamt a friend of mine that moved away last year would come back in 10th grade... the next day on myspace she's telling me she's coming back this school year. And last but definetly not least! Just a few days before Michael Jackson passed away... i (all out of freaken nowhere!!!) have a sudden urge to listen to Michael Jackson songs(epecially Billy Jean). I couldn't get enough of it and then he up and dies out of nowhere!!! WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

Ok, subject change as of now. My future has gone and turn into serious dog poopy. I managed to get a 2.8 for my GPA in 9th grade, not that bad, right. Considering how stupid kids are now these days. But my dream school has been NYU since i first began to read the Jessica Darling series (okay so she dreams of going to Columbia but let's be realistic people) and since then i wanted to go to NYU. I mean i can feel in my gut that it's the school for me. But after predicting my grades (at their best like straight A's and B's) for the rest of my school years and going to more summer school to change three other grades in my freshman year into A's... i only managed to get a 3.5! Which to pretty much garuntee admission i would have to get a 3.6.

Crap. Shit. Fuck! (And i am not a fuck kind of person, i mean in word wise)

There should be a cure to stupidity! Scentist should create some sort of meds for it. Why do my dreams have to be handicaped by my brain? This is cruel and unusual punishment!

The bright side is Pace university requires at least a 3.0. I'm not sure about CCNY but it's probably the same... there could possibly be a chance that i could get into one of those universties and then wait a year there and then try to get into NYU from there...

Hey, i can dream, right?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Teachers Make a Hell of a Difference!

Parents really should listen to their kids. "It's not me it's my teacher's fault!"

Yes, that is a fact. So far, as i am almost finished with summer school, I have maintined a B. Funny, isn't it? Ha. Ha. Ha.


Through my recent discovery I have come to find that I can actually do well in Biology. With the right teacher. TEACHER: a person who teaches or instructs. Not someone who sits on their ass all day and give us impossible vocab quizes and super long test that I find myself barely staying awake durring! Bejesus! If you don't like teaching why do you do it? It can not be because of the money.

So now I know it's not beacause i was stupid that i had to go to summer school. Its because my bio teacher was a lazyass and THAT is the reason i am in summer school. At last i have some closure people. -_-

So thank you Bio teach, thank you for being a crappyass teacher and making me fail and go to summer school.

P.S- Tomarrow i decided that i am THROUGH with that guy cyber stalking me. Because for the past week and a half he has been calling me non-stop!

Question: If you called and texted someone twenty times a day and that person never got back to you and avoids you when that person sees you (and looks creeped out of her mind), would you eventually figure that person... WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!! AND WANTS YOU TO STOP IN THE NAME OF SWEET JESUS, STOP HARASSING THEM!?!?!

Apparently, HE doesn't.

So i decided, tomarrow. IT. IS. ON.


I don't care if i hurt his feelings or whatever. I'm mad and i'm not pretty when i'm mad.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Summer Blues

Oh, Summer thou hath been sweet to me. Lending me the isolation i crave and in dire need for by the end of the school year. In the past your lovely season gave me space from people. Separated me from my peers, gave me room to breathe. But now my summer is sadly cut short, taken away from me, pried out of my cold bleeding fingers and sliced in half before my eyes! Replaced, by something sinister, and evil. Something that it's sole reason of being is to drive me... slowly... insane...

Summer School.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why doesn't everyone just shoot me in the freaken butt! At least that would hurt much less. God knows it would be MUCH more quicker.

Just letting you in on a little secret here that most people wouldn't ever guess about me (on account of me being a smart ass most of the time) I'm not really "smart", well not academically that is. I possibly on average am a B- student and science was never my strong point in the past. So of course i fail Biology in my first semester of 9Th grade! Ugh! Damn, Biology and it's little organisms, too!

Luckily, i managed to skim by with a nice little D on my second semester. So that means i only have to make up one semester and so that means after this week and the next and one day no more school for me until August. Whoopie-freaken-doo for me!


Oh, bejesus. I've just been rambling here. The real problem is not summer school (ok maybe just a smidgen). The real problem is this guy that's been chasing me since the middle of the school year! Apparently, he had to go to summer school, too (no surprise there, he doesn't look that studious) and all today he was trying to talk to me and I had to keep avoiding him. But by the end of the day he trapped me while i was waiting for my dad to pick me up. Seriously, i was trapped like a caged animal. I mean i admit i could have ran away from him but that's a bit harsh don't you think? Dang, I'm not that much of a bitch. So i was cornered and he asked me for my phone number and not knowing how to say no nicely (is there a way? If there is please tell me!) i gave my phone number to him.

Ah, hell! What is wrong with the dude? I'm over weight, anti-social, i NEVER talk to him or his friends. So why is he so interested? Maybe it's because I'm a Mexican girl who acts white, looks Asian, and has a black girls ass and boobs.

Why couldn't the guy that i liked all year liked me instead? And what makes no sense is that in 7Th grade that guy who's chasing me was completely mean to me back then! God this universe is so crazy it make ME sane.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Forgotten Intro...

Crap... i got off then i got right back on again. So there i was in my bed going sleepy, when all of a sudden i remember i never fully introduced myself, just in case anyone happens to ever read this random blog.
So here it goes.

I love to write short stories and poetry. i want to become an author someday and i'm pretty damn close to becoming one if i ever stop procrastinating and finish one of my novels. I think i have like 13 novels or so and that are just the ones i managed to write down not including the ones i have in my head that keep me up late at night. I'm definitely an odd ball. The black sheep in my family. I have friends but only two i seem to hang out with and that i consider "close" and to be honest i still can't see them ever being able to "get me".

My family is... a whole bunch of crazy. My dad literally speaks a different language then me and he insists on thinking i'm still only 12 years old because i am his "little girl". I haven't spoken to my older half sister for a whole year because of matters i prefer not to discuss. My other older sister who was usually the troublesome in the family (tried to commit suicide twice) is okay, i guess, except for her usual drama (bf problems). My older brother got a chick pregnant who has another baby with some other dude and he's supposedly schizo and might hurt my brother. And my mother... well... lets just say i don't have all day. Yet apparently i seem to love them all the same even though i can't stand being in the same room with them for more then 10 seconds.

It's not that that i hate my family, i just... when i'm with them all i can see is that i don't belong. And i get sad... which leads to depressive... which grows to moody... and ends in me getting pissed off and my mom yelling at me to not get a suppose attitude with her. And apparently i ruin the whole night with my bitchiness. Well, i'm sorry mommy, really. It's not my fault i don't like getting ignored.

Enough about my family, i've already come to terms that i will never belong in the world so why should i expect i would belong with my family as well? People like me were always meant to observe the world, never become one with it.

I mean i've tried to be a "normal" teen. I once lived in that world, i went out every weekend, had a new boyfriend every month, and had fake ass friends. Was i happy? I was a freaken moron who ended up having her two best friends at the time stab her in the back right after her first love broke her heart.

Ahh... my first love, how sweet it all was. The butterflies, the hugs that made my knees grow weak enough to one day make me fall right afterwards. The blushing and holding hands... and who could forget the drugs. Oh, yes... i fell for a druggie but not just a druggie but a dealer, too. Of course at the beginning i never would have guessed he was into drugs. Hell, i was only 13 i didn't even know kids at my school did that stuff yet. Apparently, i was the last to know a lot of things at my school. Still am, unfortunately. Hey, it's not my fault i'm too concerned with my own well being that i'm oblivious to the world around me! Yet by the time i found out, he had already broke my heart and i found myself not caring that he wasn't the guy i had thought i knew. I was already in love with him!

Madly and deeply, almost nauseatingly in love with him. So much in love that it caused a whole new chapter of my life. A dark chapter. A bloody chapter. A chapter that consumed me all and brought out a whole different side of me, a someone i didn't know was ever there but was, all along. She took over me and i was pushed deep inside me, buried from within and locked up tight. From there i watched as she poisoned my mind into thinking i could get him back. By cutting. She cut me and damaged my body in every way she could. Made me hate myself.

Yet she also brought out beautiful poetry.

And that's why, when i finally managed to break free and get control i decided to keep her. Instead of getting rid of her i kept her and locked her deep inside, only letting her out when i write poetry.

When I got my body back though i found it wasn't the same body from before. More like 40 to 30 pounds heavier then before. Yes, my body found the comfort of food while i was away and now i am constantly trying to lose the weight and get my old body back.

I eventually, after 2 years, learned to live without the guy and fortunately because he got caught dealing at school he's suspended until next January so i don't have to see him anymore and watch him ignore me.

My friends are always wondering why i ever fell for the guy, i mean we were so different. I admit i'm not the same as before i met him, please if i was ever that naive again i would hope someone would shoot me, but i'm not into drugs. I've never done drugs, drank alcohol (ok a tiny sip of vodka but i spit it out like a freaken millisecond later in the sink because it tasted like freaken medicine. Seriously, how can people drink that stuff???), or even smoked a cigarette (not even a puff, thank you). It's not that i don't like the stuff i just see it as pointless. Plus i've seen the affect it has on people, for example my big brother. First time he drank he threw up right in front of my dad when he was like 17, got grounded for three months including my second big sis on account of she let him drink at the party in the first place.

I also never get in trouble at school, whole year this year i never had a detention. Bad stuff and me, just never seem to be in the same room together. Don't get me wrong i'm not a goodie goodie. I just don't get tempted into the dark side that much. The whole thing about defying rules is just stupid, i mean just follow the rules at school, if you do then they'll leave you the hell alone.

I look back on what i said now and it's a lot but even writing this much i still haven't even told you half of my life. Just a smidgen of it. But hey i have time, i'll get around to it. Eventually...

Last Day of School... Sucks.

okay so it's been a week since school ended for me and on the last day of school of my freshmen year i wanted to tell my crush... who i have liked for the whole freshmen year... that i liked him. He was like the perfect guy for me. Smart, athletic, funny, sarcastic, a musician, who could capture a room by just walking in. Of course some people thought i was crazy for liking him... including my english teacher. lol But idk i just fell for him... even if he had a smart mouth. And at the time i thought he liked me back, possibly. Everytime our eyes would meet in class he'd make a funny face at me to make me laugh, he'd tease me and get really close to me sometimes in class. My best friend was convinced he liked me too by the way he acted. So i wanted to tell him what i felt for him on the last day of school right before my last class. But when i found myself in the hall with him on the last day of school... with only a few minutes till the bell rang.... I couldn't speak. My voice was gone and there i was standing in front of him like an idiot. I felt like hilary duff from Lizzie McGuire. And he was just standing there looking at me expectantly with a smile twitching on his lips. God, i still have the expression burned into my skull. Anyway, i got so mortified by it all and seeing his face like that I just blurted out, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!? He just blinked and laughed a little then his friend called his name and he said he had to go and wished me a great summer. So there i was standing there in the middle of my school hallway with my mouth gaping open and my mental self kicking me and screaming don't go to him.

I then wanted to cry because i couldn't tell him i felt and so i ran to the closest bathroom but just my luck his twin sister was in there with her friends so i ran my ass all the way to my best friends geomatry class and cried as she comforted me. Then because i was so desperate just to let him know I beged for her to tell him for me. And so she did. While I completley freaked out.

She then tells me afterwards that he was really surprised that I liked him and that he turned red. He was speechless for a bit and then asked her where i was and she told i was in class and then it was awkward scilence. Finally he said, I don't know how to respond to that...

After school ended and i managed to ecape the screaming crowd of kids in my hallways, I found him talking to my English teacher. Remembering that i forgot to say goodbye to her I decided to "casually" walk up to her and say my goodbye's. But when I did he just stood there looking at me for a few seconds and then he walked away. Before I could even say anything to him.



I did it

Confessed my sin

Gave someone my heart

And watched it


With a question mark written in blood

You walked away

Tangling my brain

In some endless confusion

A Coward

You must think I am

For not admitting in person

Yet you gave me no answer

No yes

Or no

No simple response

To my forbidden question

Just your backside

As I watched you go

Down that hall

Never looking back

Leaving me once and for all…

Who’s the Coward now?

Friday, May 8, 2009

A distantr cousin of mine... and his unfair death

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

That was in November in 2008... and the killer was set free yesturday.

Now please let me know... is this right?!?!?!