Monday, June 8, 2009

Summer Blues

Oh, Summer thou hath been sweet to me. Lending me the isolation i crave and in dire need for by the end of the school year. In the past your lovely season gave me space from people. Separated me from my peers, gave me room to breathe. But now my summer is sadly cut short, taken away from me, pried out of my cold bleeding fingers and sliced in half before my eyes! Replaced, by something sinister, and evil. Something that it's sole reason of being is to drive me... slowly... insane...

Summer School.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why doesn't everyone just shoot me in the freaken butt! At least that would hurt much less. God knows it would be MUCH more quicker.

Just letting you in on a little secret here that most people wouldn't ever guess about me (on account of me being a smart ass most of the time) I'm not really "smart", well not academically that is. I possibly on average am a B- student and science was never my strong point in the past. So of course i fail Biology in my first semester of 9Th grade! Ugh! Damn, Biology and it's little organisms, too!

Luckily, i managed to skim by with a nice little D on my second semester. So that means i only have to make up one semester and so that means after this week and the next and one day no more school for me until August. Whoopie-freaken-doo for me!


Oh, bejesus. I've just been rambling here. The real problem is not summer school (ok maybe just a smidgen). The real problem is this guy that's been chasing me since the middle of the school year! Apparently, he had to go to summer school, too (no surprise there, he doesn't look that studious) and all today he was trying to talk to me and I had to keep avoiding him. But by the end of the day he trapped me while i was waiting for my dad to pick me up. Seriously, i was trapped like a caged animal. I mean i admit i could have ran away from him but that's a bit harsh don't you think? Dang, I'm not that much of a bitch. So i was cornered and he asked me for my phone number and not knowing how to say no nicely (is there a way? If there is please tell me!) i gave my phone number to him.

Ah, hell! What is wrong with the dude? I'm over weight, anti-social, i NEVER talk to him or his friends. So why is he so interested? Maybe it's because I'm a Mexican girl who acts white, looks Asian, and has a black girls ass and boobs.

Why couldn't the guy that i liked all year liked me instead? And what makes no sense is that in 7Th grade that guy who's chasing me was completely mean to me back then! God this universe is so crazy it make ME sane.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Forgotten Intro...

Crap... i got off then i got right back on again. So there i was in my bed going sleepy, when all of a sudden i remember i never fully introduced myself, just in case anyone happens to ever read this random blog.
So here it goes.

I love to write short stories and poetry. i want to become an author someday and i'm pretty damn close to becoming one if i ever stop procrastinating and finish one of my novels. I think i have like 13 novels or so and that are just the ones i managed to write down not including the ones i have in my head that keep me up late at night. I'm definitely an odd ball. The black sheep in my family. I have friends but only two i seem to hang out with and that i consider "close" and to be honest i still can't see them ever being able to "get me".

My family is... a whole bunch of crazy. My dad literally speaks a different language then me and he insists on thinking i'm still only 12 years old because i am his "little girl". I haven't spoken to my older half sister for a whole year because of matters i prefer not to discuss. My other older sister who was usually the troublesome in the family (tried to commit suicide twice) is okay, i guess, except for her usual drama (bf problems). My older brother got a chick pregnant who has another baby with some other dude and he's supposedly schizo and might hurt my brother. And my mother... well... lets just say i don't have all day. Yet apparently i seem to love them all the same even though i can't stand being in the same room with them for more then 10 seconds.

It's not that that i hate my family, i just... when i'm with them all i can see is that i don't belong. And i get sad... which leads to depressive... which grows to moody... and ends in me getting pissed off and my mom yelling at me to not get a suppose attitude with her. And apparently i ruin the whole night with my bitchiness. Well, i'm sorry mommy, really. It's not my fault i don't like getting ignored.

Enough about my family, i've already come to terms that i will never belong in the world so why should i expect i would belong with my family as well? People like me were always meant to observe the world, never become one with it.

I mean i've tried to be a "normal" teen. I once lived in that world, i went out every weekend, had a new boyfriend every month, and had fake ass friends. Was i happy? I was a freaken moron who ended up having her two best friends at the time stab her in the back right after her first love broke her heart.

Ahh... my first love, how sweet it all was. The butterflies, the hugs that made my knees grow weak enough to one day make me fall right afterwards. The blushing and holding hands... and who could forget the drugs. Oh, yes... i fell for a druggie but not just a druggie but a dealer, too. Of course at the beginning i never would have guessed he was into drugs. Hell, i was only 13 i didn't even know kids at my school did that stuff yet. Apparently, i was the last to know a lot of things at my school. Still am, unfortunately. Hey, it's not my fault i'm too concerned with my own well being that i'm oblivious to the world around me! Yet by the time i found out, he had already broke my heart and i found myself not caring that he wasn't the guy i had thought i knew. I was already in love with him!

Madly and deeply, almost nauseatingly in love with him. So much in love that it caused a whole new chapter of my life. A dark chapter. A bloody chapter. A chapter that consumed me all and brought out a whole different side of me, a someone i didn't know was ever there but was, all along. She took over me and i was pushed deep inside me, buried from within and locked up tight. From there i watched as she poisoned my mind into thinking i could get him back. By cutting. She cut me and damaged my body in every way she could. Made me hate myself.

Yet she also brought out beautiful poetry.

And that's why, when i finally managed to break free and get control i decided to keep her. Instead of getting rid of her i kept her and locked her deep inside, only letting her out when i write poetry.

When I got my body back though i found it wasn't the same body from before. More like 40 to 30 pounds heavier then before. Yes, my body found the comfort of food while i was away and now i am constantly trying to lose the weight and get my old body back.

I eventually, after 2 years, learned to live without the guy and fortunately because he got caught dealing at school he's suspended until next January so i don't have to see him anymore and watch him ignore me.

My friends are always wondering why i ever fell for the guy, i mean we were so different. I admit i'm not the same as before i met him, please if i was ever that naive again i would hope someone would shoot me, but i'm not into drugs. I've never done drugs, drank alcohol (ok a tiny sip of vodka but i spit it out like a freaken millisecond later in the sink because it tasted like freaken medicine. Seriously, how can people drink that stuff???), or even smoked a cigarette (not even a puff, thank you). It's not that i don't like the stuff i just see it as pointless. Plus i've seen the affect it has on people, for example my big brother. First time he drank he threw up right in front of my dad when he was like 17, got grounded for three months including my second big sis on account of she let him drink at the party in the first place.

I also never get in trouble at school, whole year this year i never had a detention. Bad stuff and me, just never seem to be in the same room together. Don't get me wrong i'm not a goodie goodie. I just don't get tempted into the dark side that much. The whole thing about defying rules is just stupid, i mean just follow the rules at school, if you do then they'll leave you the hell alone.

I look back on what i said now and it's a lot but even writing this much i still haven't even told you half of my life. Just a smidgen of it. But hey i have time, i'll get around to it. Eventually...

Last Day of School... Sucks.

okay so it's been a week since school ended for me and on the last day of school of my freshmen year i wanted to tell my crush... who i have liked for the whole freshmen year... that i liked him. He was like the perfect guy for me. Smart, athletic, funny, sarcastic, a musician, who could capture a room by just walking in. Of course some people thought i was crazy for liking him... including my english teacher. lol But idk i just fell for him... even if he had a smart mouth. And at the time i thought he liked me back, possibly. Everytime our eyes would meet in class he'd make a funny face at me to make me laugh, he'd tease me and get really close to me sometimes in class. My best friend was convinced he liked me too by the way he acted. So i wanted to tell him what i felt for him on the last day of school right before my last class. But when i found myself in the hall with him on the last day of school... with only a few minutes till the bell rang.... I couldn't speak. My voice was gone and there i was standing in front of him like an idiot. I felt like hilary duff from Lizzie McGuire. And he was just standing there looking at me expectantly with a smile twitching on his lips. God, i still have the expression burned into my skull. Anyway, i got so mortified by it all and seeing his face like that I just blurted out, WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!? He just blinked and laughed a little then his friend called his name and he said he had to go and wished me a great summer. So there i was standing there in the middle of my school hallway with my mouth gaping open and my mental self kicking me and screaming don't go to him.

I then wanted to cry because i couldn't tell him i felt and so i ran to the closest bathroom but just my luck his twin sister was in there with her friends so i ran my ass all the way to my best friends geomatry class and cried as she comforted me. Then because i was so desperate just to let him know I beged for her to tell him for me. And so she did. While I completley freaked out.

She then tells me afterwards that he was really surprised that I liked him and that he turned red. He was speechless for a bit and then asked her where i was and she told i was in class and then it was awkward scilence. Finally he said, I don't know how to respond to that...

After school ended and i managed to ecape the screaming crowd of kids in my hallways, I found him talking to my English teacher. Remembering that i forgot to say goodbye to her I decided to "casually" walk up to her and say my goodbye's. But when I did he just stood there looking at me for a few seconds and then he walked away. Before I could even say anything to him.



I did it

Confessed my sin

Gave someone my heart

And watched it


With a question mark written in blood

You walked away

Tangling my brain

In some endless confusion

A Coward

You must think I am

For not admitting in person

Yet you gave me no answer

No yes

Or no

No simple response

To my forbidden question

Just your backside

As I watched you go

Down that hall

Never looking back

Leaving me once and for all…

Who’s the Coward now?