Sunday, June 7, 2009

My Forgotten Intro...

Crap... i got off then i got right back on again. So there i was in my bed going sleepy, when all of a sudden i remember i never fully introduced myself, just in case anyone happens to ever read this random blog.
So here it goes.

I love to write short stories and poetry. i want to become an author someday and i'm pretty damn close to becoming one if i ever stop procrastinating and finish one of my novels. I think i have like 13 novels or so and that are just the ones i managed to write down not including the ones i have in my head that keep me up late at night. I'm definitely an odd ball. The black sheep in my family. I have friends but only two i seem to hang out with and that i consider "close" and to be honest i still can't see them ever being able to "get me".

My family is... a whole bunch of crazy. My dad literally speaks a different language then me and he insists on thinking i'm still only 12 years old because i am his "little girl". I haven't spoken to my older half sister for a whole year because of matters i prefer not to discuss. My other older sister who was usually the troublesome in the family (tried to commit suicide twice) is okay, i guess, except for her usual drama (bf problems). My older brother got a chick pregnant who has another baby with some other dude and he's supposedly schizo and might hurt my brother. And my mother... well... lets just say i don't have all day. Yet apparently i seem to love them all the same even though i can't stand being in the same room with them for more then 10 seconds.

It's not that that i hate my family, i just... when i'm with them all i can see is that i don't belong. And i get sad... which leads to depressive... which grows to moody... and ends in me getting pissed off and my mom yelling at me to not get a suppose attitude with her. And apparently i ruin the whole night with my bitchiness. Well, i'm sorry mommy, really. It's not my fault i don't like getting ignored.

Enough about my family, i've already come to terms that i will never belong in the world so why should i expect i would belong with my family as well? People like me were always meant to observe the world, never become one with it.

I mean i've tried to be a "normal" teen. I once lived in that world, i went out every weekend, had a new boyfriend every month, and had fake ass friends. Was i happy? I was a freaken moron who ended up having her two best friends at the time stab her in the back right after her first love broke her heart.

Ahh... my first love, how sweet it all was. The butterflies, the hugs that made my knees grow weak enough to one day make me fall right afterwards. The blushing and holding hands... and who could forget the drugs. Oh, yes... i fell for a druggie but not just a druggie but a dealer, too. Of course at the beginning i never would have guessed he was into drugs. Hell, i was only 13 i didn't even know kids at my school did that stuff yet. Apparently, i was the last to know a lot of things at my school. Still am, unfortunately. Hey, it's not my fault i'm too concerned with my own well being that i'm oblivious to the world around me! Yet by the time i found out, he had already broke my heart and i found myself not caring that he wasn't the guy i had thought i knew. I was already in love with him!

Madly and deeply, almost nauseatingly in love with him. So much in love that it caused a whole new chapter of my life. A dark chapter. A bloody chapter. A chapter that consumed me all and brought out a whole different side of me, a someone i didn't know was ever there but was, all along. She took over me and i was pushed deep inside me, buried from within and locked up tight. From there i watched as she poisoned my mind into thinking i could get him back. By cutting. She cut me and damaged my body in every way she could. Made me hate myself.

Yet she also brought out beautiful poetry.

And that's why, when i finally managed to break free and get control i decided to keep her. Instead of getting rid of her i kept her and locked her deep inside, only letting her out when i write poetry.

When I got my body back though i found it wasn't the same body from before. More like 40 to 30 pounds heavier then before. Yes, my body found the comfort of food while i was away and now i am constantly trying to lose the weight and get my old body back.

I eventually, after 2 years, learned to live without the guy and fortunately because he got caught dealing at school he's suspended until next January so i don't have to see him anymore and watch him ignore me.

My friends are always wondering why i ever fell for the guy, i mean we were so different. I admit i'm not the same as before i met him, please if i was ever that naive again i would hope someone would shoot me, but i'm not into drugs. I've never done drugs, drank alcohol (ok a tiny sip of vodka but i spit it out like a freaken millisecond later in the sink because it tasted like freaken medicine. Seriously, how can people drink that stuff???), or even smoked a cigarette (not even a puff, thank you). It's not that i don't like the stuff i just see it as pointless. Plus i've seen the affect it has on people, for example my big brother. First time he drank he threw up right in front of my dad when he was like 17, got grounded for three months including my second big sis on account of she let him drink at the party in the first place.

I also never get in trouble at school, whole year this year i never had a detention. Bad stuff and me, just never seem to be in the same room together. Don't get me wrong i'm not a goodie goodie. I just don't get tempted into the dark side that much. The whole thing about defying rules is just stupid, i mean just follow the rules at school, if you do then they'll leave you the hell alone.

I look back on what i said now and it's a lot but even writing this much i still haven't even told you half of my life. Just a smidgen of it. But hey i have time, i'll get around to it. Eventually...


MayleneVsLucia said...

decided to check ur blog out, since u checked out mine
"i've already come to terms that i will never belong in the world so why should i expect i would belong with my family as well? People like me were always meant to observe the world, never become one with it."

I feel the exact same way. And you also saying about your body being taken over then getting it back. Happened to me in middleschool, got free from it after high school started for a bit, then half way through gr 9.. its still going on... im aware but not aware, if u understand? My family, no.. the whole world makes me feel like a complete outcast, a misfit, an alien. In every way... looks, thoughts, personality... the only place i feel i belong is with my father, we have the same pain but he doesnt realize it yet, u can read about it in my newest post.. The Worst Pain

Im glad someone is out there who has experienced this changing too,,, but i still feel alone. you say u were once an average girl and had bf's... because of the way i am, the way i look and my body, my mind,, ive never and never will experience normality..

I love writing too... stories, novels, especially poetry... for about a year now ive been writing.. i like photography too... the little things that for a while it seems like the world makes sense.. but in the long run, it is the darkest stranger to you..

ill keep following ur blog if u follow mine?