Mr. and Mrs. Arrogant

I'm going to be seventeen in December, now what do you think an almost seventeen year old would be doing at this time in her life? Hmm? Driving? Getting her first car? Having an after-school job and saving up for college?

Living a typical teenage life?

Well, guess what I'm not.

I don't even have my freaken driver's permit!!!

I probably won't until I'm freaken twenty!

And i am completely serious.

Dead. Serious.

You know, parents are the most arrogant son of a bitches ever. I mean do any of them ever freaken listen to their kids? Because I don't know if they get that even though we're young and they've been here longer doesn't mean we're all not all human beings. Real people who can think and not always just fucking rebellious brats that don't have minds. and you can quote me.

This is how my parents think of me. And i have my older siblings to thank for that. It's because they turned their lives into utter crap is because I can't live mine! Since my sister got her driver's licence she's been in like four car crashes. Now my parents think that if I get a car then I will go all crazy and crash things and cause havoc!

Do i seem like that sort of person? Hell freaken no! I said in my third post of this blog that I have no temptation what's so ever to get into trouble. Hell! I've even drove before with my sister and her boyfriend and I drove like a grandma!

It's like they don't even know me. I am so different from my siblings that I'm sometimes think I was adopted. I actually did when I was about the age of five. Today, when my father drew me to tears of frustration and anger, my friend had to comfort me as I was staying at her house.

There are so many reasons I NEED a car.

1. This bitchy black girl hates me and causes my whole bus to be extremely frightened of her.
2. I do not like freshman.
3. Everyone in my grade is getting a car or their licence already!
4. I am in serious need of a job.
5. If I have a job I save up for college.
6. I need a car so I won't be constantly near my parents because they are tearing me up inside (read past blogs to understand this).
7. I. AM. ALMOST. SEVENTEEN!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the freaken picture?

Because my parents don't seem to.

They even told my friend (the phone was on speaker and I was refusing to talk to her so she did on my behalf) that they weren't ready to let me go. Well FUCKING TOUGH!

One question for my oh so suffocating parents: Do you really want to be around me so much when I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING BLOODY GUTS!

Because believe me I'm getting there.

Poetry for the Poet

I started this blog on account of I wanted to bring out the injustice that a distant cousin's parents had when my cousin was murdered. How they just let the guy who killed him go free. It got me so angry that i just wanted to scream it to the whole world. Yet later I came back to my blog and started talking about my life and how ridicules it really is and i also wanted to show people my poetry. Well, after looking over my posts I realized i haven't posted much of my poetry here so I've decided to get to it now. Hope you like it.

(Some other poems about the boy that walked away...)

Not Enough


As I stand there
My lips tremble
My eyes show fear

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

I’m dangling by a thread
My grasp is slipping
My arm grows numb
My fingers
They are bleeding
Scarlett covers my eyes
My tears can’t seem to wash them away

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

My voice is no more
Mute
Just like my heart
It stops beating
And now I am falling
And now I am falling
Into a well
I am screaming
Running towards hell
My body burns
With the hurt of despair
It crashes!

Wait!

Sorry, I got to go. Have a great summer!

Wait…

The clock continues to tick
And like time… I wish I could disappear

(I came up with this when it was raining and i was heading for my second period, it was the third day of school and I finally saw him. By the time I got out of the rain I was drenched but I didn't care, all i was focus on doing at the time was trying to keep the poem in my head until i could get a pen and paper to write it down. The poem came to me like wind blowing in my hair as I watched him)

Rain


Standing in the rain
Watching you walk away
Rain drops mixed with tears, dribbling down my face
Peaceful sadness fills the air.

(I wrote this poem on account of I only see him for like a minute a day)

Seconds


I breathe in your scent
Relishing the moments we have
My grasp, desperate and famished
I never want to part

I can’t get enough of you
You suffocate me with your presence
Strangle me with your intelligence
And burn me with the devotion I harbor for you
I am yours

Yet do you fathom this?
Catch the truth behind my eyes
And see behind the disguise?
That my feelings grow deeper
Then infatuation or lust
Friendship and trust
It could only be love, though, one sided

Except your feelings, will only ever be platonic
For the likes of me
But a gal can dream
Yes, she may even scheme
Only to catch glimpse of him…

Every day, for just a few seconds


(I wrote this last one after watching Knowing)


Apocalypse


Fire roaring with laughter

It consumes us all; Like a deadly sin

The laughter will never stop

It has no mercy

No pity; None at all

Two of A Kind

I remember the first time I heard about Sylvia Plath. I was online, taking a quiz (I heart quizzes!) called what famous poet do you identify with or something like that. Turns out I identify a lot with Sylvia Plath.

From there I decided to do a research project for English Lit. on her later on. When I did I began to accomulate very interesting info about her. I even saw the movie. By the end of my project (which I got and A freaken plus!) I came to three conclusions. 1. Sylvia had real talent that was unique and inspiring. 2. Sylvia had obvious problems that nobody really wanted to admit that. And 3. Her Husband Ted Hughes, is a bastard.

Syl's husband and poet, Ted was like my first love. Completely unhealthy, uber traumatic, and totally crazy. It was a diaster waiting to happen.

But I admit it wasn't until I started reading Your Own, Sylvia (a biograghy about Syl, written in poetry. Neat, huh?) Well, it wasn't until I read the book that I found simularities between Syl and I. Besides our love of poetry, she also had a sort of need for the oppisote sex. The girl went from one boy to the next, boy-crazy like me. Sylvia was also afraid of the aspect of marriage. She didn't want to settle down, she wanted to write and travel, accomplish her dreams, set out into her future. That's what Sylvia wanted, just like me.

I'm also gradually losing myself, my grasp to sanity slipping as I begin to get older. I can feel it inside me the change of emotions. The strength of them lashing through my body. The cold violence of it all scares the living daylights out of me but what can I do? How can I tell anyone that I'm starting to break down after all these years of being the strong one in my family. How?

The fighting and resentment, the treatening and cursing. There all tearing down my mental walls of stability. Making me crumble with tears and scream with anger, lash out like my mother, after every arguement I get into with my mum or my mum and dad fighting.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Just like Sylvia.

At times I plead insanity
Feeling like I’m going to crack
Like I’m going to off myself; Like Sylvia Plath
Will He bring mercy on me?

Voices...

Last week... I started hearing voices in my head.

I know you're thinking... the girl lost it.

Uh no. Well, at least I hope not.

From what I've researched so far (I Googled it) I'm suffering from a sleep condition called "Sleep Paralysis".

Definition: Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false".In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

Basically, I'm being attacked by imaginary creatures while I'm completely conscious but my body happens to be asleep. Causing me to be literally trapped by my own body because it's paralyzed.

It happen just last week on Sunday night (or should i say Monday morning, it was around 12) and hour later I was suddenly forced out of my dream and awakened. But my here's the thing, my body didn't wake with me. And here's the WORST thing, there was a voice, some creature-like voice saying, "Listen to me, listen to me." He'd call my name and repeat "listen to me!" I was completely freaked but finally after struggling for who knows how long my body was just released and i could move again and open my eyes. I was scared and out of it. I cried and slept with my Teddy that night. Scared shitless.

When I told my friend she was freaked too but advised me to next time listen to the creature, to hear what it had to say. So, stupidly, i did. That night it happen again and this time i listened, I tried not to struggle but as soon as the creature had my attention... it started talking about God and the Devil and a war. And the creature sounded like it was on the Devil's side. Instantly, i thought i was being possessed. My family's catholic so yeah. I'm not though, actually I'm an agnostic. Someone who pretty much believes there is something out there like a higher being but doesn't know exactly what that is. Anyway,after what happen to me i immediately went on my computer and started Googling what happen to me. Eventually i found out about Sleep Paralysis.

Since last week that thing has been visiting every other day or so ( fucking up my sleep routine and scaring me shitless) but last night it was different. I awoke with something on me. I saw it. That creature, I saw the thing but my eyes, I knew they were closed. It was terrible looking and it was sitting on top of me and strangling me. I swear i could feel the thing on me, it's voice repeating the first night's mantra: "Listen to me! Listen to me!" I thought i was going to die but i eventually broke free (practically jumping off my bed in the process) i then quickly turned on the light and ran to my bedroom mirror, only to find what i expected: Redness all over the area on my collar bone.

You see when i broke free i noticed a warmness on my chest. This warmness is a usual thing for me on account of i harbor this skin condition called Dermatographia. When you're skin is hyper sensitive and you blotch up when place pressure on it.

Okay I'm not thinking that the creature was actually there, I'm thinking that i was unconsciously choking myself.

Which is scarier when you think about it.

Today at school when i told my friends, they of course got freaked and a guy friend of mine actually was trying to comfort me because i was still sort of freaked as well.

Anyway, that's what happened last night... i wonder what will happen tonight...

Are you freaked out yet?

How the hell do you think i feel?!

Whatever, my mum is giving me sleeping pills in hopes i will be too knocked out to wake up before my body does.

Surprise - Surprise... Not!

I just finished my second day of school. Which wasn't so bad as my first one. I would have blogged yesterday about my first day of school and i was planning on doing that but as soon as i got home I was in my bed and asleep. I was completely knocked out (reason being because i didn't sleep a wink the previous night) i even slept through my alarm that i had set for an hour later before i took my nap.

Anyway, yeah my first day of school was a series of surprises. And here's the thing" i never like surprises unless it's my birthday. I was just beginning to enjoy myself until 3rd hour Stagecraft (you know for the people who work backstage during plays). For once i wanted to experience how it felt being behind the stage then on it, like i've always have since 1st grade, either for choir or a play.

Well i guess the old saying is true. Curiosity did kill the cat! Or for me curiosity kicked my ass!

So there i was in the auditorium, sitting in my usual lonesome, with a book in hand and ignoring everyone as much as i can and then... i hear a familiar voice...

RODENT.

I just up and died right then and i would have stayed dead but as cruel and unusual punishment the great beyond sent me back before anybody could notice. When Rodent saw me he was surprised, too but not for the same reason. Apparently i didn't get the memo that not alot of girls did stagecraft. I was the only girl. With around twelve guys. Yet to my utter delight today another girl showed up. That whole first day i didn't talk to Rodent and i ignored him. Well except for once when our teacher was showing us the "ropes" backstage and Rodent held the door for me. I was the last to leave and when i saw him holding the door for me i hesitated. I didn't want to let him do something nice for me. He's been a complete ass to me and i refused him but Rodent became stubborn and kept holding the door for me. Finally, i just walked through.

WHen i told my friend this she was like "So what? Did you want him to just like shut the door in your face?" And i fumed and told her "YES!"

And then today when our teacher continued to show us around and we went upstairs we had to go up a freaken tall spiral staircase and when we finally reached the third floor we had to go up a ladder to the 4th floor! And just to let you know i am deathly afraid of heights and i admit when i had to go back down the ladder...

I freaked out.

Completely.

But i made it (after the teacher coached me down) but by the time I got to the second floor i had to stop a sec to pull myself together. When i did though, Rodent stopped on the stairs to ask how i was. And he looked worried. He was like why did you freak out? and i was like that's none of your business! Just go and leave me alone! He didn't move though so i said, Go! Or i'll push you down the stairs! (note: i wouldn't, i'm a complete bluffer but nobody knows this because I can be very convincing)

He left and i was confused afterwards on account of his concern and willingness to talk to me. I thought he hated me too but apparently the feeling isn't really mutual. So i've decided that on Monday i'm going to ask Rodent if he knows about what his sister said to me last year. If he doesn't, i guess i can't blame him all that much and hate him. But if he does... i'm gonna ask why.

After that big slap in the face i got another when i entered my 5th hour and locked eyes with my ex-bff. The one i had when i was a shallow, popular snob. Like her.

During the summer after 7th grade, when my world was crumbling and i was in my darkest period my ex-bff traded me in for one of my ex boyfriends. I have no idea why the sudden change of heart that she made of our friendship but she just did. And it really hurt, especially at that certain time.

When i saw her i went and sat on the opposite side of the classroom and put my face in a book. Mentally giving her the finger and calling her every bad word imaginable. Afterwards when i entered my last class i saw my ex- crush (oh, lets call him Cover Boy because of his long eyelashes). This isn't really a bad thing except for the fact that he might possibly think i'm crazy.

Which i am but not the bad kind.

Hey, it's not my fault i crushed on a guy who's really good friends with a girl and i got extremely jealous. And he might have noticed. I don't know, he might have. So every time i see his face i am constantly reminded about my behavior in the past. Which is embarrassing.

God hates me, or likes to see me miserable. Either him/her or some other higher being. I think i might have been a terrible person in my past life because there is no freaken reason that all these bad stuff always happens to me. I mean i am not a bad person and believe it or not i do have a good heart but nothing good ever happens to me.

I should stop admitting my fears because it seems like every time i reveal them they come true.

I'm pretty much screwing myself over when i do.

Last Day Of Summer. (insert horror flick girl scream here)

There is only a few hours of summer left for me I am sad to say. Pissed off actually. But I always am so that isn't new.

Anyway, tomarrow I will see him. The boy that walked away from me on the last day of school. What will happen when i first see him. Will he say something? Apoligize maybe? Say he doesn't feel the same way? Or try to act normal and pretend it never happen? Or worse... ignore me...

This is what I'll be freaking out about the whole night. Yup, while everyoone on this side of the world is sleeping I will be freaking out about him. And, yeah, everything else i always freak about on the last night of summer.

Who's in my classes, who's in my lunch hour, are my friends going to be in my classes, will people i hate be in them instead? That sort of things. Oh, bejesus! Why is it that i hate drama but it always seems to find me?

Crap i just copied that off a movie. Anyway, wish me luck...

Psh, I'm screwed.

Bloody Enrollment!

After returning from Mexico and finally seeing one of my best friends after 5 weeks and feeling very sisterhood of the traveling pants here... School's going to start soon.

I only have 6 days of summer left and I am freaking out! Yesterday, was enrollment. Oh the forbidding, dreaded enrollment. Seeing classmates after a long peaceful summer and having to pretend you missed them.

I didn't.

NOT AT ALL!

I was still in the car while my mom was trying to find a stupid parking and i had already saw three people i didn't much prefer to see. And the lines! The long ass lines that take FOREVER! That placed in hot, sweaty, stinky, no air conditioned hallways... it's a very rude awakening to a kid after a wonderful summer.

Enrollment is a time for questions because it's a new grade and every kid has them. My mother didn't much agree with me though. Shocker.

My mother can be very selfish at times and yesterday was one of those times. We started the day being already late to enrollment because she had to freaken clean the house (like the house couldn't wait!). Then when we were getting me a class shirt she got stuck picking between a small or a medium. She was all like " the medium is so big! My daughter's not that big. you're not that big! Let me see the small... oh this looks right. (She glances at the two girl I knew from school that were at the booth and selling them) Wait, are you two wearing a small? (The two girls nod) Oh, no this could never fit you! it's too small!"

oh hell why doesn't the women just say to the whole student body and their parents that "hey everybody, I have a fat daughter!"

Afterwards, because i had no idea where my freaken classed were i was looking for someone who could possibly show me around but my mother was being a total bitch and whining about this and that and wanting to leave. I was sick of it! I was sick of her! I was already sick of seeing faces I really hadn't wanted to see and still don't want to see. Let's face it I would have been happy if I never saw those people again. Especially, one face.

A boy's face. A certain boy that I have given several nicknames to in the past but have finally come to one that finally suits him. Rodent!

You see Rodent and I became friends during the beginning of 7th grade and then after winter break I was suddenly overcome by strange feelings for him. Suddenly I was beginning to adore his slightly high, awkward tone of voice, his baby brown eyes and i would just love how his cheeks were always the same rosy shade of pink. He was so adorable and reminded me of a cute little animal. A critter. A Chipmunk, actually. And so i started calling him that, which he hated but it was all in good fun. But in the middle of eight grade for some stupid reason I told Rodent that I liked him more then a friend. By doing that I pretty much messed up our friendship big time. The easy friendship started to crumble in on itself. Ever since I started calling him Chipmunk we had always been teased when we were together. We had always ignored it in the past but after I told him what all his friends had said about us was true... it got to him. I guess he couldn't handle the teasing anymore, espeacially when everyone started noticing my weight gain.

I was hurt and mad. I know i should have ended our friendship once i started hearing what they were calling us (note: i refuse to repeat the names) but some part of me just didn't want to let go. But then his sister got involved (note: there is no way in hell that I am i ever going to repeat what happen) and after that happen... I couldn't even look at him.

So for months I stayed away from him, when I saw him in the halls I'd run the other way. Not of fright (please, he's just like 5'6 or so, I'm more scared of his sister) but out of embarassment and hate. When i see his face I get mad and angry. I"m just full of hate and I need to punch something really bad. Pretty much I only run away because I don't want to accidently commit murder. jk you know that after my cousin died because of a fight I would never get in a fight. But really, i would most likely make a scene, and don't I make enough drama for myself anway?

So back to enrollment, with me searching for someone's help and my mother whining behind me I enter another hall. And then one of my worst nightmares came true. Rodent and his sister, looking straight at me. I did a quik double take and my heart and ego crashed into one another. And then like a good little girl i bolted out of there leaving my mother in the dust. I didn't stop until i reached the car. Actually, I bet that if my mother hadn't had the keys (and even though I don't have a permit or licence yet, sadley even though I'm gonna turn 17 soon!) i probably, most likley, okay, definitly in a freaken heart beat would have drove home and left my mother at school.

Hey, the woman has legs!