Winter Break

Yesterday was finals and guess who got the second best score on her final in their AP Lit. class??? Me. Surprisingly. I know what you're thinking... second best isn't such a big deal. but it is if it means, besides one other girl that got only 2 questions right then I did, that I did better then everyone else in my class. I mean it's AP Lit. meaning the whole class is filled with brains who see B's as D's and C's as F's. I got a better score then those perfect girls with the bows in their hair who are in show choir and cheer of pom and with perfect hair. I did better then them... Well, you could just imagine my face when my teacher told me I got the second best score in the class. I looked like I was just proposed to by the very hot Korean boy band SS501. It was surreal as I walked off in a daze and began to suppress the strange urge to break dance (which would be weird on account of I don't know how to so it would probably turn out looking more like I was having a seizure).
I won't be able to find out my grades until I get them in the mail later in the break I'm assuming but I do know I might end up taking Saturday school to make up the D I know I'll end up getting in Geometry... If I knew I could get away with it (and if I had no conscience because I know I would end up feeling bad eventually) I would shoot almost everyone in my class because if it wasn't for their crap I had to suffer every week day then I would have gotten at least a freaken C in the class. Bejesus! They all just couldn't shut the fuck up for one minute for me to concentrate and there were many times where I almost ended up picking a fight with them. I mean just because they are all content to spend their lives as future McDonald employees doesn't mean they have to drag me down with them.
Last year I had to go to summer school because of a horrible teacher now I probably end up doing it again because of a horrible class.
Well now on to better news. I will be finally taking my permit test this Tuesday. Thank the lord! i also received my grades for driver's ed and in the class course I ended up with an A and a B+ on my driving (apparently I was too fast for my driving instructor but I never lost control but I will never tell my parents this little detail because the last thing my parents need to hear is that I like driving fast).
Well that's it for today I'm gonna go try to get past my writer's block and resume writing my novel.wish me luck!

Type B

Good news!!! Last Saturday was my last driver's ed drive! I spent two hours driving on the high way and I didn't crash! Ya Me! lol
Bad news I still don't have my permit. Apparently my mother wants to wait until she gets the title of her new car so she can go to the DVM to get her licence plate at the same time I go get my permit.
Whatever! Eventually the woman will have to go to the freaken DVM during winter break (I hope to GOD!)
Anyway, school has been... well school. Same faces everyday with not so much exciting details to mention except one of my best friends and I (while being bored and hell) came up with two categories to place everyone in the world. Type A and Type B. Now which one do you think you are?
Type A is almost everyone in the world. It's pretty much a sheep. A random face in the crowd. Someone not at all different. Mentally. Type B is someone genuinely different. No. not the people who dress up in weird cloths or all in black or cuts themselves or whatnot. No... those people are definitely Type A's big time. Actually they're the worse kind! The Type A's that desire to be Type B's. Type B's do not try to be different (actually some even try not to be) they just are. They can look like anybody, act like anybody, you see it's all in the mind. Mentally they think differently then everybody else they know. They are the spots of colors here and there in a boring gray crowd of people. You see? They don't mean to be different they just... are. ^_^
I'm a definite Type B and so are my two best friends. We've been best friends for a while now and we haven't ever really fought or distrusted one another. It's great and I am thankful for their friendship.
Now on to some important business to take care of...
Tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY! Yes, yours truly is turning 17 on Tuesday! Bejesus the year went by fast! You know i don't feel all that different... actually sometimes I feel still 12 years old and yet other times I catch myself becoming a 50 year old surrounded by a bunch of 5 year olds (even my parents make me feel that way at times) I guess it's just complicated or it's just these teenage hormones! To believe in just one more year... I'll be 18 years old. Ha! I'll be freaken 18 year old with a 12 to 50 year old mind. Funny... and sad at the same time. Tomorrow one of my best friends and I will ride the bus to my house, we'll hang out, then when every one's ready my parents will pick up my other best bff and my bff's little sister (she's only 14 but she's sweet, she reminds me of the lil sister I sometimes wished i had) and we're all heading to The cheesecake factory. it's going to be great, I'm not that much of a party girl, all i need if my family and a few of my close friends with me to have a happy 17Th birthday... I know I am such a dork. Or maybe I'm just a true Type B...
Crap I got to go I need to go back to school in a bit for a stagecraft performance anyway talk to you later!

Things REALLY Do Happen For A Reason

First things first, my father finally saw the light (or got sick and tired of my whining) and gave me an ultimatum... go to driver's ed and you can get your permit. When this happen I admit it was sort of bittersweet in a way because in the end I got what I wanted but now I have to go to my school's driver's ed class three times a week for two freaken hours until December. Well thanks dad!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA!

Well I can tell you this that is quite surprising. It's a freaken blessing in disguise. Turns out driver's ed isn't so bad on the account of these reasons:
1. I'll be able to drive every Saturday... though the bad thing is I'll have to wake up at 8 am but that's not important much.
2. I don't have to ride the bus after school
3. There is a really cute guy in my driver's ed.

^-^

But that's not even the greatest surprise... the real surprise is that when a person turns seventeen and they get their permit they only need to wait 30 DAYS to get their licence!

30 FREAKEN DAYS!!!!!

there is only one thing to say to this:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY FREAKEN CRAP! When the teacher told me this I just about wet myself! (well not literally the cute boy was in the room!) But anyway I was totally thrilled I did have to contain myself until class was over, I got home, and was in my room blaring Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield and dancing in front of my mirror with a brush to my hand looking like freaken Hilary duff in the Lizzie mcguire movie. (do not ask me why I know that, you should already know I'm a freak and I adore the movie)

I guess it all did work out in the end because now when I turn 17 in December I can go to the DVM and get my permit and in January I'll be able to get my licence. so yay me!

Now all I need is a car.... bejesus, I hope my dad isn't going to sell my sister's old Honda (the man is sure thinking about it).

Now let's talk about weight. I still weigh the same last time I checked but I haven't been working out for a wile now, well at least not consistently. And let me tell you my mother is not happy about this fact and she likes it to be known to me every single day. The woman is sooooo annoying it is not even funny.

It's just school, though. I never have time to work out and when I do I'm just so tired. But the night after last after looking at my grades (they were pretty good by the way) I decided to focus less on school right now and start getting back in shape.

I came up with a simple plan that I hope to sweet jesus it will work.
I lose five pounds every month.

Pretty simple I just hope I can do it.

And if my plan does beat the odds and work then by May I will be my ideal goal weight.

On to sadder news, though. My cousin, Eddie. It was just last year that he died and last Sunday was his memorial. I saw his parents at the church and like usual my heart ached for the family. Eddie's mother and little sis are going to therapy now and his father is just so sweet and kind, a good hearted man who is trying to be strong for everyone and it was just a lot to take in. Let me point out that i am not a religious person, I like to refer to myself as agnostic so you can imagine my being uncomfortable being in a church. My family are non-practicing catholics and so I had to attend a mass that day and guess what I was feeling?

Sheer and utter boredom. You see I get really bored, really fast and attending a mass not to mention that said mass being all in freaken Spanish, so I couldn't even understand a word and it just about put me to sleep (or gave my the itch to reach for ipod in my coat pocket). So there i was, listing to this two hour speech in Spanish by a priest who liked to tell his audience to kneel, stand up, sing, pray and give money to the church. Plus he really liked to hear himself talk I'm guessing.

But finally we got to the stuff that I was really there for. Everyone went outside (wearing Eddie T-shits) and holding white balloons they all set them free like at his funeral. It was so sad and I hugged his mom and dad and ended up crying like a baby as I watched the balloons fly away. While I witness the scene and felt the sadness wash over me like some tidal wave I had the sudden thought of something.

If things were reverse, like if I had died instead and not Eddie... would have Eddie have felt sad for me. Would he feel as i feel? Lord, I don't know. I mean I don't even know why I feel this way for him. In a way I might though, I feel sad that he was so young and talented but his life ended so soon. But I also feel bad for the parents because they lost their only son to something so trivial and having the outcome of it being that the court just let his murderer go...

I mean they didn't even DEPORT the dude! What the hell is up with that???

And the thing that makes me just go up and tears is that... sometimes I feel that i should have died instead of Eddie. I mean he had the great family, he was popular, and athletic... and I'm well, me.

I never really told anyone this but when I was at the hospital last year the day Eddie was killed and was on life support... When I was in his hospital room I imagined something. After I gave his parents a hug and was watching him lying in bed like he was asleep, with tears in my eyes... I imagined asking god to bring Eddie back and that he could take me instead. And then I pictured Him hearing my prayer and taking my soul instead of Eddie's. I saw myself in the hospital room with everyone and just suddenly falling to the ground, dead, while Eddie woke up.

Mr. and Mrs. Arrogant

I'm going to be seventeen in December, now what do you think an almost seventeen year old would be doing at this time in her life? Hmm? Driving? Getting her first car? Having an after-school job and saving up for college?

Living a typical teenage life?

Well, guess what I'm not.

I don't even have my freaken driver's permit!!!

I probably won't until I'm freaken twenty!

And i am completely serious.

Dead. Serious.

You know, parents are the most arrogant son of a bitches ever. I mean do any of them ever freaken listen to their kids? Because I don't know if they get that even though we're young and they've been here longer doesn't mean we're all not all human beings. Real people who can think and not always just fucking rebellious brats that don't have minds. and you can quote me.

This is how my parents think of me. And i have my older siblings to thank for that. It's because they turned their lives into utter crap is because I can't live mine! Since my sister got her driver's licence she's been in like four car crashes. Now my parents think that if I get a car then I will go all crazy and crash things and cause havoc!

Do i seem like that sort of person? Hell freaken no! I said in my third post of this blog that I have no temptation what's so ever to get into trouble. Hell! I've even drove before with my sister and her boyfriend and I drove like a grandma!

It's like they don't even know me. I am so different from my siblings that I'm sometimes think I was adopted. I actually did when I was about the age of five. Today, when my father drew me to tears of frustration and anger, my friend had to comfort me as I was staying at her house.

There are so many reasons I NEED a car.

1. This bitchy black girl hates me and causes my whole bus to be extremely frightened of her.
2. I do not like freshman.
3. Everyone in my grade is getting a car or their licence already!
4. I am in serious need of a job.
5. If I have a job I save up for college.
6. I need a car so I won't be constantly near my parents because they are tearing me up inside (read past blogs to understand this).
7. I. AM. ALMOST. SEVENTEEN!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the freaken picture?

Because my parents don't seem to.

They even told my friend (the phone was on speaker and I was refusing to talk to her so she did on my behalf) that they weren't ready to let me go. Well FUCKING TOUGH!

One question for my oh so suffocating parents: Do you really want to be around me so much when I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING BLOODY GUTS!

Because believe me I'm getting there.

Poetry for the Poet

I started this blog on account of I wanted to bring out the injustice that a distant cousin's parents had when my cousin was murdered. How they just let the guy who killed him go free. It got me so angry that i just wanted to scream it to the whole world. Yet later I came back to my blog and started talking about my life and how ridicules it really is and i also wanted to show people my poetry. Well, after looking over my posts I realized i haven't posted much of my poetry here so I've decided to get to it now. Hope you like it.

(Some other poems about the boy that walked away...)

Not Enough


As I stand there
My lips tremble
My eyes show fear

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

I’m dangling by a thread
My grasp is slipping
My arm grows numb
My fingers
They are bleeding
Scarlett covers my eyes
My tears can’t seem to wash them away

The clock is ticking
And time starts to disappear

My voice is no more
Mute
Just like my heart
It stops beating
And now I am falling
And now I am falling
Into a well
I am screaming
Running towards hell
My body burns
With the hurt of despair
It crashes!

Wait!

Sorry, I got to go. Have a great summer!

Wait…

The clock continues to tick
And like time… I wish I could disappear

(I came up with this when it was raining and i was heading for my second period, it was the third day of school and I finally saw him. By the time I got out of the rain I was drenched but I didn't care, all i was focus on doing at the time was trying to keep the poem in my head until i could get a pen and paper to write it down. The poem came to me like wind blowing in my hair as I watched him)

Rain


Standing in the rain
Watching you walk away
Rain drops mixed with tears, dribbling down my face
Peaceful sadness fills the air.

(I wrote this poem on account of I only see him for like a minute a day)

Seconds


I breathe in your scent
Relishing the moments we have
My grasp, desperate and famished
I never want to part

I can’t get enough of you
You suffocate me with your presence
Strangle me with your intelligence
And burn me with the devotion I harbor for you
I am yours

Yet do you fathom this?
Catch the truth behind my eyes
And see behind the disguise?
That my feelings grow deeper
Then infatuation or lust
Friendship and trust
It could only be love, though, one sided

Except your feelings, will only ever be platonic
For the likes of me
But a gal can dream
Yes, she may even scheme
Only to catch glimpse of him…

Every day, for just a few seconds


(I wrote this last one after watching Knowing)


Apocalypse


Fire roaring with laughter

It consumes us all; Like a deadly sin

The laughter will never stop

It has no mercy

No pity; None at all

Two of A Kind

I remember the first time I heard about Sylvia Plath. I was online, taking a quiz (I heart quizzes!) called what famous poet do you identify with or something like that. Turns out I identify a lot with Sylvia Plath.

From there I decided to do a research project for English Lit. on her later on. When I did I began to accomulate very interesting info about her. I even saw the movie. By the end of my project (which I got and A freaken plus!) I came to three conclusions. 1. Sylvia had real talent that was unique and inspiring. 2. Sylvia had obvious problems that nobody really wanted to admit that. And 3. Her Husband Ted Hughes, is a bastard.

Syl's husband and poet, Ted was like my first love. Completely unhealthy, uber traumatic, and totally crazy. It was a diaster waiting to happen.

But I admit it wasn't until I started reading Your Own, Sylvia (a biograghy about Syl, written in poetry. Neat, huh?) Well, it wasn't until I read the book that I found simularities between Syl and I. Besides our love of poetry, she also had a sort of need for the oppisote sex. The girl went from one boy to the next, boy-crazy like me. Sylvia was also afraid of the aspect of marriage. She didn't want to settle down, she wanted to write and travel, accomplish her dreams, set out into her future. That's what Sylvia wanted, just like me.

I'm also gradually losing myself, my grasp to sanity slipping as I begin to get older. I can feel it inside me the change of emotions. The strength of them lashing through my body. The cold violence of it all scares the living daylights out of me but what can I do? How can I tell anyone that I'm starting to break down after all these years of being the strong one in my family. How?

The fighting and resentment, the treatening and cursing. There all tearing down my mental walls of stability. Making me crumble with tears and scream with anger, lash out like my mother, after every arguement I get into with my mum or my mum and dad fighting.

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was, Just like Sylvia.

At times I plead insanity
Feeling like I’m going to crack
Like I’m going to off myself; Like Sylvia Plath
Will He bring mercy on me?

Voices...

Last week... I started hearing voices in my head.

I know you're thinking... the girl lost it.

Uh no. Well, at least I hope not.

From what I've researched so far (I Googled it) I'm suffering from a sleep condition called "Sleep Paralysis".

Definition: Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false".In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

Basically, I'm being attacked by imaginary creatures while I'm completely conscious but my body happens to be asleep. Causing me to be literally trapped by my own body because it's paralyzed.

It happen just last week on Sunday night (or should i say Monday morning, it was around 12) and hour later I was suddenly forced out of my dream and awakened. But my here's the thing, my body didn't wake with me. And here's the WORST thing, there was a voice, some creature-like voice saying, "Listen to me, listen to me." He'd call my name and repeat "listen to me!" I was completely freaked but finally after struggling for who knows how long my body was just released and i could move again and open my eyes. I was scared and out of it. I cried and slept with my Teddy that night. Scared shitless.

When I told my friend she was freaked too but advised me to next time listen to the creature, to hear what it had to say. So, stupidly, i did. That night it happen again and this time i listened, I tried not to struggle but as soon as the creature had my attention... it started talking about God and the Devil and a war. And the creature sounded like it was on the Devil's side. Instantly, i thought i was being possessed. My family's catholic so yeah. I'm not though, actually I'm an agnostic. Someone who pretty much believes there is something out there like a higher being but doesn't know exactly what that is. Anyway,after what happen to me i immediately went on my computer and started Googling what happen to me. Eventually i found out about Sleep Paralysis.

Since last week that thing has been visiting every other day or so ( fucking up my sleep routine and scaring me shitless) but last night it was different. I awoke with something on me. I saw it. That creature, I saw the thing but my eyes, I knew they were closed. It was terrible looking and it was sitting on top of me and strangling me. I swear i could feel the thing on me, it's voice repeating the first night's mantra: "Listen to me! Listen to me!" I thought i was going to die but i eventually broke free (practically jumping off my bed in the process) i then quickly turned on the light and ran to my bedroom mirror, only to find what i expected: Redness all over the area on my collar bone.

You see when i broke free i noticed a warmness on my chest. This warmness is a usual thing for me on account of i harbor this skin condition called Dermatographia. When you're skin is hyper sensitive and you blotch up when place pressure on it.

Okay I'm not thinking that the creature was actually there, I'm thinking that i was unconsciously choking myself.

Which is scarier when you think about it.

Today at school when i told my friends, they of course got freaked and a guy friend of mine actually was trying to comfort me because i was still sort of freaked as well.

Anyway, that's what happened last night... i wonder what will happen tonight...

Are you freaked out yet?

How the hell do you think i feel?!

Whatever, my mum is giving me sleeping pills in hopes i will be too knocked out to wake up before my body does.