Voices...

Last week... I started hearing voices in my head.

I know you're thinking... the girl lost it.

Uh no. Well, at least I hope not.

From what I've researched so far (I Googled it) I'm suffering from a sleep condition called "Sleep Paralysis".

Definition: Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the body paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes "after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false".In addition, the paralysis state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision.

Basically, I'm being attacked by imaginary creatures while I'm completely conscious but my body happens to be asleep. Causing me to be literally trapped by my own body because it's paralyzed.

It happen just last week on Sunday night (or should i say Monday morning, it was around 12) and hour later I was suddenly forced out of my dream and awakened. But my here's the thing, my body didn't wake with me. And here's the WORST thing, there was a voice, some creature-like voice saying, "Listen to me, listen to me." He'd call my name and repeat "listen to me!" I was completely freaked but finally after struggling for who knows how long my body was just released and i could move again and open my eyes. I was scared and out of it. I cried and slept with my Teddy that night. Scared shitless.

When I told my friend she was freaked too but advised me to next time listen to the creature, to hear what it had to say. So, stupidly, i did. That night it happen again and this time i listened, I tried not to struggle but as soon as the creature had my attention... it started talking about God and the Devil and a war. And the creature sounded like it was on the Devil's side. Instantly, i thought i was being possessed. My family's catholic so yeah. I'm not though, actually I'm an agnostic. Someone who pretty much believes there is something out there like a higher being but doesn't know exactly what that is. Anyway,after what happen to me i immediately went on my computer and started Googling what happen to me. Eventually i found out about Sleep Paralysis.

Since last week that thing has been visiting every other day or so ( fucking up my sleep routine and scaring me shitless) but last night it was different. I awoke with something on me. I saw it. That creature, I saw the thing but my eyes, I knew they were closed. It was terrible looking and it was sitting on top of me and strangling me. I swear i could feel the thing on me, it's voice repeating the first night's mantra: "Listen to me! Listen to me!" I thought i was going to die but i eventually broke free (practically jumping off my bed in the process) i then quickly turned on the light and ran to my bedroom mirror, only to find what i expected: Redness all over the area on my collar bone.

You see when i broke free i noticed a warmness on my chest. This warmness is a usual thing for me on account of i harbor this skin condition called Dermatographia. When you're skin is hyper sensitive and you blotch up when place pressure on it.

Okay I'm not thinking that the creature was actually there, I'm thinking that i was unconsciously choking myself.

Which is scarier when you think about it.

Today at school when i told my friends, they of course got freaked and a guy friend of mine actually was trying to comfort me because i was still sort of freaked as well.

Anyway, that's what happened last night... i wonder what will happen tonight...

Are you freaked out yet?

How the hell do you think i feel?!

Whatever, my mum is giving me sleeping pills in hopes i will be too knocked out to wake up before my body does.

Surprise - Surprise... Not!

I just finished my second day of school. Which wasn't so bad as my first one. I would have blogged yesterday about my first day of school and i was planning on doing that but as soon as i got home I was in my bed and asleep. I was completely knocked out (reason being because i didn't sleep a wink the previous night) i even slept through my alarm that i had set for an hour later before i took my nap.

Anyway, yeah my first day of school was a series of surprises. And here's the thing" i never like surprises unless it's my birthday. I was just beginning to enjoy myself until 3rd hour Stagecraft (you know for the people who work backstage during plays). For once i wanted to experience how it felt being behind the stage then on it, like i've always have since 1st grade, either for choir or a play.

Well i guess the old saying is true. Curiosity did kill the cat! Or for me curiosity kicked my ass!

So there i was in the auditorium, sitting in my usual lonesome, with a book in hand and ignoring everyone as much as i can and then... i hear a familiar voice...

RODENT.

I just up and died right then and i would have stayed dead but as cruel and unusual punishment the great beyond sent me back before anybody could notice. When Rodent saw me he was surprised, too but not for the same reason. Apparently i didn't get the memo that not alot of girls did stagecraft. I was the only girl. With around twelve guys. Yet to my utter delight today another girl showed up. That whole first day i didn't talk to Rodent and i ignored him. Well except for once when our teacher was showing us the "ropes" backstage and Rodent held the door for me. I was the last to leave and when i saw him holding the door for me i hesitated. I didn't want to let him do something nice for me. He's been a complete ass to me and i refused him but Rodent became stubborn and kept holding the door for me. Finally, i just walked through.

WHen i told my friend this she was like "So what? Did you want him to just like shut the door in your face?" And i fumed and told her "YES!"

And then today when our teacher continued to show us around and we went upstairs we had to go up a freaken tall spiral staircase and when we finally reached the third floor we had to go up a ladder to the 4th floor! And just to let you know i am deathly afraid of heights and i admit when i had to go back down the ladder...

I freaked out.

Completely.

But i made it (after the teacher coached me down) but by the time I got to the second floor i had to stop a sec to pull myself together. When i did though, Rodent stopped on the stairs to ask how i was. And he looked worried. He was like why did you freak out? and i was like that's none of your business! Just go and leave me alone! He didn't move though so i said, Go! Or i'll push you down the stairs! (note: i wouldn't, i'm a complete bluffer but nobody knows this because I can be very convincing)

He left and i was confused afterwards on account of his concern and willingness to talk to me. I thought he hated me too but apparently the feeling isn't really mutual. So i've decided that on Monday i'm going to ask Rodent if he knows about what his sister said to me last year. If he doesn't, i guess i can't blame him all that much and hate him. But if he does... i'm gonna ask why.

After that big slap in the face i got another when i entered my 5th hour and locked eyes with my ex-bff. The one i had when i was a shallow, popular snob. Like her.

During the summer after 7th grade, when my world was crumbling and i was in my darkest period my ex-bff traded me in for one of my ex boyfriends. I have no idea why the sudden change of heart that she made of our friendship but she just did. And it really hurt, especially at that certain time.

When i saw her i went and sat on the opposite side of the classroom and put my face in a book. Mentally giving her the finger and calling her every bad word imaginable. Afterwards when i entered my last class i saw my ex- crush (oh, lets call him Cover Boy because of his long eyelashes). This isn't really a bad thing except for the fact that he might possibly think i'm crazy.

Which i am but not the bad kind.

Hey, it's not my fault i crushed on a guy who's really good friends with a girl and i got extremely jealous. And he might have noticed. I don't know, he might have. So every time i see his face i am constantly reminded about my behavior in the past. Which is embarrassing.

God hates me, or likes to see me miserable. Either him/her or some other higher being. I think i might have been a terrible person in my past life because there is no freaken reason that all these bad stuff always happens to me. I mean i am not a bad person and believe it or not i do have a good heart but nothing good ever happens to me.

I should stop admitting my fears because it seems like every time i reveal them they come true.

I'm pretty much screwing myself over when i do.

Last Day Of Summer. (insert horror flick girl scream here)

There is only a few hours of summer left for me I am sad to say. Pissed off actually. But I always am so that isn't new.

Anyway, tomarrow I will see him. The boy that walked away from me on the last day of school. What will happen when i first see him. Will he say something? Apoligize maybe? Say he doesn't feel the same way? Or try to act normal and pretend it never happen? Or worse... ignore me...

This is what I'll be freaking out about the whole night. Yup, while everyoone on this side of the world is sleeping I will be freaking out about him. And, yeah, everything else i always freak about on the last night of summer.

Who's in my classes, who's in my lunch hour, are my friends going to be in my classes, will people i hate be in them instead? That sort of things. Oh, bejesus! Why is it that i hate drama but it always seems to find me?

Crap i just copied that off a movie. Anyway, wish me luck...

Psh, I'm screwed.

Bloody Enrollment!

After returning from Mexico and finally seeing one of my best friends after 5 weeks and feeling very sisterhood of the traveling pants here... School's going to start soon.

I only have 6 days of summer left and I am freaking out! Yesterday, was enrollment. Oh the forbidding, dreaded enrollment. Seeing classmates after a long peaceful summer and having to pretend you missed them.

I didn't.

NOT AT ALL!

I was still in the car while my mom was trying to find a stupid parking and i had already saw three people i didn't much prefer to see. And the lines! The long ass lines that take FOREVER! That placed in hot, sweaty, stinky, no air conditioned hallways... it's a very rude awakening to a kid after a wonderful summer.

Enrollment is a time for questions because it's a new grade and every kid has them. My mother didn't much agree with me though. Shocker.

My mother can be very selfish at times and yesterday was one of those times. We started the day being already late to enrollment because she had to freaken clean the house (like the house couldn't wait!). Then when we were getting me a class shirt she got stuck picking between a small or a medium. She was all like " the medium is so big! My daughter's not that big. you're not that big! Let me see the small... oh this looks right. (She glances at the two girl I knew from school that were at the booth and selling them) Wait, are you two wearing a small? (The two girls nod) Oh, no this could never fit you! it's too small!"

oh hell why doesn't the women just say to the whole student body and their parents that "hey everybody, I have a fat daughter!"

Afterwards, because i had no idea where my freaken classed were i was looking for someone who could possibly show me around but my mother was being a total bitch and whining about this and that and wanting to leave. I was sick of it! I was sick of her! I was already sick of seeing faces I really hadn't wanted to see and still don't want to see. Let's face it I would have been happy if I never saw those people again. Especially, one face.

A boy's face. A certain boy that I have given several nicknames to in the past but have finally come to one that finally suits him. Rodent!

You see Rodent and I became friends during the beginning of 7th grade and then after winter break I was suddenly overcome by strange feelings for him. Suddenly I was beginning to adore his slightly high, awkward tone of voice, his baby brown eyes and i would just love how his cheeks were always the same rosy shade of pink. He was so adorable and reminded me of a cute little animal. A critter. A Chipmunk, actually. And so i started calling him that, which he hated but it was all in good fun. But in the middle of eight grade for some stupid reason I told Rodent that I liked him more then a friend. By doing that I pretty much messed up our friendship big time. The easy friendship started to crumble in on itself. Ever since I started calling him Chipmunk we had always been teased when we were together. We had always ignored it in the past but after I told him what all his friends had said about us was true... it got to him. I guess he couldn't handle the teasing anymore, espeacially when everyone started noticing my weight gain.

I was hurt and mad. I know i should have ended our friendship once i started hearing what they were calling us (note: i refuse to repeat the names) but some part of me just didn't want to let go. But then his sister got involved (note: there is no way in hell that I am i ever going to repeat what happen) and after that happen... I couldn't even look at him.

So for months I stayed away from him, when I saw him in the halls I'd run the other way. Not of fright (please, he's just like 5'6 or so, I'm more scared of his sister) but out of embarassment and hate. When i see his face I get mad and angry. I"m just full of hate and I need to punch something really bad. Pretty much I only run away because I don't want to accidently commit murder. jk you know that after my cousin died because of a fight I would never get in a fight. But really, i would most likely make a scene, and don't I make enough drama for myself anway?

So back to enrollment, with me searching for someone's help and my mother whining behind me I enter another hall. And then one of my worst nightmares came true. Rodent and his sister, looking straight at me. I did a quik double take and my heart and ego crashed into one another. And then like a good little girl i bolted out of there leaving my mother in the dust. I didn't stop until i reached the car. Actually, I bet that if my mother hadn't had the keys (and even though I don't have a permit or licence yet, sadley even though I'm gonna turn 17 soon!) i probably, most likley, okay, definitly in a freaken heart beat would have drove home and left my mother at school.

Hey, the woman has legs!

VIVA A LA MEXICO!

so here i am in a small dot of a town in the middle of mexico that makes my town seem like new york. Damn this place is so mexican that when i got a hamburger (last time i came they didn`t even know what a freaken hamburger was! so this is a major improvment)they put a pouch of chili sauce in my bag. and i was like what the hell? who would eat a freaken hamburger with CHILI SAUCE! it`s a hamburger not a taco! anyway for the first few days i actually just stayed inside my grandma`s house. couped up with a book. but not by choice though, of course. the reason being my spanish speaking skills are none existente. my problem is that i can understand people speaking spanish but i can`t speak it. i know crazy, right? it`s like being freaken mute! but tuesday i finally got to go out with a cousin of mine who live here and she introduced me to a bunch of people. i even met two teens that could speak english too and it was such a relief it was like i found a lost friend. i even saw a few cute looking boys and that was extremely fun (even though ì haven`t truely recovered by who shall remain nameless!).

i had lot`s of fun yesturday it was almost like i was actually feeling like a normal teenager. it was nice. so nice actualloy that i cried that night. of happiness and sadness because it`s gonna end soon. like christmas. lol

on the bighter note i lost 12 pounds last month. yay me! not so bright is that everyone in this town does nothing but eat and i hate it. i mean like all my aunts are like, gome, gome. eat, eat. and i`m like no.

ha everyone thinks i`m like going anerexic and it`s getting on my nerves.
so yeah i gotta go this town only has computer cafe`s and i am paying for this and most of the keys are unfamiliar because it has all these spanish signs on it so bye!

R.I.P. Michael Jackson... R.I.P. My Future!!!

You would so not guess what happen to me this past week. First, i started my monday on the last day of summer school expeirencing dejavu, 2 times. Second, i dreamt a friend of mine that moved away last year would come back in 10th grade... the next day on myspace she's telling me she's coming back this school year. And last but definetly not least! Just a few days before Michael Jackson passed away... i (all out of freaken nowhere!!!) have a sudden urge to listen to Michael Jackson songs(epecially Billy Jean). I couldn't get enough of it and then he up and dies out of nowhere!!! WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

Ok, subject change as of now. My future has gone and turn into serious dog poopy. I managed to get a 2.8 for my GPA in 9th grade, not that bad, right. Considering how stupid kids are now these days. But my dream school has been NYU since i first began to read the Jessica Darling series (okay so she dreams of going to Columbia but let's be realistic people) and since then i wanted to go to NYU. I mean i can feel in my gut that it's the school for me. But after predicting my grades (at their best like straight A's and B's) for the rest of my school years and going to more summer school to change three other grades in my freshman year into A's... i only managed to get a 3.5! Which to pretty much garuntee admission i would have to get a 3.6.

Crap. Shit. Fuck! (And i am not a fuck kind of person, i mean in word wise)

There should be a cure to stupidity! Scentist should create some sort of meds for it. Why do my dreams have to be handicaped by my brain? This is cruel and unusual punishment!

The bright side is Pace university requires at least a 3.0. I'm not sure about CCNY but it's probably the same... there could possibly be a chance that i could get into one of those universties and then wait a year there and then try to get into NYU from there...

Hey, i can dream, right?

Teachers Make a Hell of a Difference!

Parents really should listen to their kids. "It's not me it's my teacher's fault!"

Yes, that is a fact. So far, as i am almost finished with summer school, I have maintined a B. Funny, isn't it? Ha. Ha. Ha.

NOT!!!!

Through my recent discovery I have come to find that I can actually do well in Biology. With the right teacher. TEACHER: a person who teaches or instructs. Not someone who sits on their ass all day and give us impossible vocab quizes and super long test that I find myself barely staying awake durring! Bejesus! If you don't like teaching why do you do it? It can not be because of the money.

So now I know it's not beacause i was stupid that i had to go to summer school. Its because my bio teacher was a lazyass and THAT is the reason i am in summer school. At last i have some closure people. -_-

So thank you Bio teach, thank you for being a crappyass teacher and making me fail and go to summer school.

P.S- Tomarrow i decided that i am THROUGH with that guy cyber stalking me. Because for the past week and a half he has been calling me non-stop!

Question: If you called and texted someone twenty times a day and that person never got back to you and avoids you when that person sees you (and looks creeped out of her mind), would you eventually figure that person... WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!! AND WANTS YOU TO STOP IN THE NAME OF SWEET JESUS, STOP HARASSING THEM!?!?!

Apparently, HE doesn't.

So i decided, tomarrow. IT. IS. ON.

I am going to sraight out tell the dude. STOP TEXTING ME AND CALLING ME! I DO NOT LIKE YOU! NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM! YOU CREEP ME OUT AND EVER SINCE YOU PUSHED MY CHAIR IN DRAMA CLASS IN 7TH GRADE, CAUSING ME TO HAVE BREATHING PROBLEMS FOR A WHOLE FREAKEN WEEK, I CAN NOT STAND YOU!!!!

I don't care if i hurt his feelings or whatever. I'm mad and i'm not pretty when i'm mad.