Oh Crap She's Alive

Okay, I haven't been blogging recently. I guess I really don't have any excuse except forgetfulness, sleepyness, and lazyness. Sheesh, I'm a senior this up and coming semester, haven't you ever heard of Senioritus???
Ugh! I just depressed myself right when I started talking about school. I don't really understand why I'm so extremely reluctant to start school again. Maybe it's because this is my last year of high school and deep down I don't really want school to end because I will miss all of my wonderful classmates...?
...
Nah!
I mean, Christ! WTF? A good 1/3 of the student body at my school I've known since I was freaken five and the rest has known me since 7th grade...
No. I would not miss those people.
Could it be because I detest my school's student body soooooooooooooo much that not even a whole summer of solitude from everybody while I stayed in my bed and slept the whole summer away trying to forget the whole world existed? But somehow junior year was so detestable that not even the whole summer could re-establish my good mood?
Probably.
Could it be that once school starts again I'm going to have to take my SATs/ACTs as well as begin to apply to colleges?
That's partially it.
I'm scared about my math portion of the SAT and ACT. I know that I can take more than one of each but still what if I don't do good on my math in any of them? I gotta tell you I don't exactly test well. And college. Jeez! I'm so indesisive and what if none of the colleges accept me? Yes, I'm scared.
Is it because this is the last year you have with He Who Walked Away?
And that is the other half that is getting me.
I'm probably never going to see him again if I pursue my dreams of leaving my "home" and going toan out of state college as well as joining the peace corps afterwards and then living out of the country in places like Amsterdam, Seoul, and Tokyo. Once this upcoming school year comes to an end I will never see him again and will ultimatly put into practice the whole "I love you but I'll learn to live without you" theory.
And I am not looking forward to it. NOT ONE FREAKING BIT.
I spent my fourth of July weekend in Chicago with relatives, got a cute blouse from Urban Outfitters --a store I don't have back where I live--, and hailed a taxie for the first time. Oh and the pizza was de-lish!!!! All weekend I was nagging my parents that we should really check out any pizzerias for some real Chicago style pizza and seriously once we did it was like heaven in your mouth and my whole family was like in love besides my mother who only ate a salad and never ate any of the pizza thus never tasted the orgasmic bliss of the Chicago Pizza Pie.
My Mother: Was it really that good?
Everyone: Yes!
Besides that one weekend I haven't done so much. I tried applying for a job but considering I still don't have my license and can't drive my car without one or anyone that it 21 or older --not to forget my parents refuse to drive a long way to take me to work and will only let me work in our town limits and not the city across the river of our town-- it's not so surprising to say that that whole issue leaves me jobless for the time being. This town I live in is too small and no one is hiring.
Speaking of licenses: Yes, I still don't have one yet. I know... HA HA HA. Laugh all you want because really my whole life should be a tv show --I even think my two best friends still hang out with me because I am just soooooooooooooo entertaining to them. Really, was it all that surprising? Seriously? I have natural bad luck and have previously in this rant/blog that I just do not test well. My mother says I might just suffer a bit with anxiety.
My Mother: Maybe I could get the doctor to prescribe something...
Me: Oh, yeah. That's it! Drug up your kid so they can act normal. That's the way to go.
Maybe I could pass my driving test. Who knows.
I've already taken my driver's test twice at two different DMVs and I now know why I didn't pass them: My turns sucked and I get really nervous.
Well I have practiced my turns and have finally found the right way to turn for me and as for the nervous thing...I've decided... to bring along my Teddy that I have had since I was 3 years old as a comfort/moral support for me. I know I'm freaking weird but give me a break and I'm desperate for anything that could help in any way to make me less nervous. So Teddy will be in the back seat of my car while I take my driving test and if the instructor asks about it then I will probably tell the truth. Teddy has always been there when I needed comfort and its like everytime I hold her when I'm sad or scared or anything the emotion leaves my heart and I feel better. Maybe having Teddy in the car with me I can feel less nervous.
It could work. It's all in the mind.
I guess we'll just have to see and soon because tomorrow I'm going to take my diver's test for the third time, second this year because the first time was last year before my 18th birthday.
And as a reminder, there are a lot of people who don't have their liciense some are even in their twenties and don't have them. Russle Brand doesn't have one but is said to be learning so his wife Katy Perry doesn't have to drive him. Ruper Grint a.k.a Harry Potter didn't know either and has just learned. Robert Pattinson admits he still has trouble driving and is actually scared to drive although knows how to drive. Even Lady Gaga only has her permit! And there are even whole cities that a good portion of their people don't know how to drive (New York City, Tokyo). So there.
But all in all I know I am ready to get my liciense and just hope my nerves don't get the best of me or I am going to be pissed if I can't drive to school on the first day. And I'm not pleasent when I'm pissed.
I am not SPONGEBOB! I will get my lisience!
Me: Do you think I'm past my driving test on Tuesday?
My Mother: You can do anything you put your mind on.
Me: (I narrow my eyes of the woman) I can't wait until I have kids so I can annoy them with that very phrase.
Anyway, every night it seems I can't stop imagining my first day of school and driving there in my little Bug as I listen to Britney Spear's "I Wanna Go." And a girl can dream, it's just up to me to bring it to life.
And on to other trivalites.
I haven't eaten chocolate since the last week of school and won't be until the first day of school this year which is the only thing I'm pretty much joful about the impending day.
I made historian in my DFY club (Drug Free Youth) and currently decorating the scrapbook with pictures of last year's events and will be taking up my duty as a head member of the club and will help run the hundreds of kids in my club.
I've been drinking a lot of water, oatmeal, and apples to speed up my metabolism. Plus, I hike ten miles each weekend and either go on the tredmill or dance most of the week. I don't have a anything to keep track of my wieght but i have been measuring myself 9(bust, waist, love handles, butt, thighs, arms, calves) and have seen changes as well as tried on my tight jeans and they're now loose. So yeah, I'm happy about that. Over the weekends of my hikes my mother and I have had quite the little adventures involving me almost cussing out a woman and her horse for always cutting the leaves on the trail and leaving debrie behind thus almost causing me to trip and fall --and I swear if I see her again I am not going to be so nice. As well as running into a snake, running away from said snake and then having to go back and coach my mother who was rather struck frozen from the sight of the snake and almost getting attacked from a freaking BEAVER!
My Mother: Oh, (insert my name here)! Look!
Me: What! Look at what?
My Mother: Over there! What are you blind.
Me: (I kind of was blind I had recently started to wear glasses earlier this year and tend to not wear them when I hike in case they break somehow --like if I fall... which I do quite a lot because I'm like Bella Swan up in the wilderness. So I focus my eyes on where her finger is pointing at and there it is. The beaver almost seems like a statue people put on their lawns to make their houses tacky. It didn't move it just stared at us.) Cool! What is it?
My Mother: What do you mean what is it? It's a beaver!
Me: I've never seen one. I thought it looked kind of like a mutant squiral/bunny. (I start walking towards it.)
My Mother: What are you crazy! Don't get near it!
Me: Look at it! It's so small, what's it going to do? Attack me?
My Mother: Your dad said their really mean!
Me: But it's so cute!
(She calls my name and gets behind me, grabbing my arm and stearing me away. I shrug her off and take a step closer. And then it's turns to look at us and makes a fast move, like it's going to pounce on us.)
Both of us: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(We both jump back, and once we scream the beaver runs off in the opposite direction in response to our screams.
Me: (As I watch the beaver run his butt away) Was that little thing...?
My Mother: I told you they were mean!
Me: But we're so much bigger! What did it think it was going to do to us?
My Mother: That beaver has balls.
(I silently agree with her.)
My life should be on TV.

I fell in LOVE

With a pair of shoes.
Wait! Not just a pair of shoes, Sperry Top-Siders that are black with clear sequins and purple silk inside...
It was freaken love at first sight.
I mean seriously it was like I was falling in love with someone, which is freaky because this is a shoe not a human being that can love me back. Although I could have sworn that at one point in my entranced state I started hearing the Sperry calling my name.
IDK for all I knew it could have been my mother who was whining in the background because she was tired and, of course, naturally bitchy.
Of course.
My mother referred the shoe as a "Michael Jackson" shoe. I was like "Uh, hello? Didn't everyone copy his style, even now." At first I admit I was a bit wary, when isn't anybody when they're in love? And casually asked the shoe salesmen for a pair in my size only to later found out they had no more in that size but to look around because they had a lot of other shoes. I was like, "Thanks." but surprisingly I was incredibly hostile, the now continuous burning in my chest when in the presence, thinking, or talking about this shoe gave me then lit... What I really wanted to tell the douche was, "Fuck you!" I was dishearten but I still managed to drag my mother to Dillard's from Journey's and there I saw them again.
And here is another one of my reenactments by yours truly (note: I embellished a bit, if you don't like it, suck it)
Scene:
Mother: I don't know why you're so hell bent in searching for these ugly shoes, your don't even have enough money right not (Christmas money my godparents and my own general savings, I told you I would help you buy them but you'll have to wait until my next paycheck. You can wait a few days. If you see them here and they have your size it's only going to hurt you even more when you have to leave them here.
Me: I know, but I need to just see if Dillard's has them in the first place (secretly I just wanted to put them on my feet, see if the connection rang true... kind of like a kiss).
I should warn you this is going to get weird.
My mother entered the shoe area filled with many designer brands like, Uggs, Coach... that's all I can think of on the top of my head.
And them I saw them.
Here plays the song "Reunited" by Peaches & Herb:
Me: (Like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City) Hello, lover!
Black Sperry Top-Sider: (says my name), I am so glad to see you again...
Me: Me, too! I thought I might not see you again (I blush shyly). I mean I hoped but apparently I wasn't the only one... (a hint of jealousy paints my voice)
Sperry Top-Sider: Shhh... No more words, my love, please just take me!
Me: Right here? Right now? I don't even have my size yet. I'm not that kind of girl that just takes a shoe from the display rack and puts it on my feet in front of everyone!
Sperry Top-Sider: Hurry than (it begs)! Before I'm all gone.
I hurry to the salesmen and ask for my size and soon I have them in my hands and hardly a second later they're on my feet.
I feel on cloud nine, I see fireworks, almost a rush to my head!
And then I choke up a bit.
Sperry Top-Sider: My love, what is wrong? Do you not feel right with me? We fit perfectly, don't we?
Me: Yes, we do. You're perfect. We're perfect. Together we are one... but not right now. my mother was right, I should have never came, now I have to leave you here where anybody can just take you away from here! I don't want to let you go!
Sperry Top-Sider: My love do not cry (it says soothingly). This might not have been the right time but we have met, you should be happy, I know I am. We will meet again. If it is meant to be we will be together one day.
Me: I hope so. I won't be able to rest until you are on my feet again. I promise, my love (I tell it earnestly).
Sperry Top-Sider: Please don't forget me, (says my name).
Me: Never!
I give them back to the shoe salesman and tearfully flee out of the store, my mother rolling her eyes as she follows behind me.
I wait a few days for my mother to get her next paycheck only for a monster storm that consumes the whole Midwest arrives and delays my leaving the house whatsoever. Yet when I finally do come back to Dillard's there they are again, waiting.
Sperry Top-Sider: Oh, my love... you have finally come back for me.
Me: Just like I promised! I would have been her sooner but there was this terrible snow storm-
Sperry Top-Sider: Yes...
Me: What's wrong? You're distant.
Sperry Top-Sider: I am so sorry, my love. (pick up the Sperry's and head for the salesman) I had no choice! Please believe me!
Salesman: Oooo, sorry. That's our last pair.
I look at the size, they're 6.5
Here plays "Grenade" by Bruno Mars.
Sperry Top-Sider: I had no choice...
Me: I don't blame you, my love. Those Cretans (I says murderously)! I swear to you Sperry I will not rest until I find you again in my size and you are mine! I swear it!
And here I am now, a week later with still no Sperry's, they're all sold out for now though Macy's should have a new shipment soon...
And there was my story, a story about two lovers, separated indefinitely.

Am I amusing to them?

Either Fates hates me or Fate really enjoys seeing me squirm, jump up and down in frustration or etc. because seriously when does this ever happen to normal people?
Last week I got into a heated (very loud and public) argument (fight is more of the word... there was some pushing) with...
Boy Who Walked Away.
Boy Who Broke My Heart A Year And Some Months ago.
Boy Who Apparently Harbors Short Term Memory Loss Because He Acts Like Nothing Happen!
Boy Who's In Two Of My Classes But Hardly Acknowledges Me!!!
UNTIL NOW.
Or should I say then?
Anyway, like I was saying we got in a fight. About what you say? Get this, A BOOK.
Yes, I your crazy/lovable/wonderfully confused blogger got in a fight with her crush for two and a half years finally grew some balls and had a more than one syllable conversation (correction: fight) with the boy of her dreams/nightmares over. A. BOOK.
In the words of my idol, Jessica Darling: Susan Falludie Bullshit!
I mean how dumb and twisted not to mention hellishly ironic is that???
A lot. To much to seem even the slightest sane for reality. Though I must admit reality has never been my strongest subject of expertise. Oh hell what do I know about reality anyways? Nothing. Zip. Zero. In fact I'm pretty sure I lost the sight of reality at the age of three. So maybe the whole scenario could have been predicted.
Enough of my babble. Here's what happen as I witnessed and lived through it:
Scene: Nine something in the morning (I'm sorry I don't look at the clock every second). My AP Lang class had begun and in walks the teacher announcing to us all to find the other people in our book group (earlier the teacher had given us a list of five books to choose from and we had to pick one to read, test over, then have a group discussion with the other people that had chose the book as well).
If I had been smarter and thinking with my heart I would have read the Holocaust book that caught my true attention but no. Unfortunately, I happen to be absent the day my class originally picked their book for which they had the disadvantage of choosing a book that they picked on their own terms and not of their friends (everyone couldn't talk to their friends and negotiate a mutual book they were all reading) but this is where my advantage was. My teacher had already made a list of kids who picked a book and she let me an this other girl that hadn't been there pick having seen all the names of the people that had already been placed in reading the books. So naturally, like the sneaky devil I am, to a gander at the names under each book and eventually found Boy Who Walked Away, looked at the book he chose to read and chose the same one seeing it as a ploy to talk to him. Okay, mind you this had been like what? Four weeks ago? Five? I have no idea and don't give a crap. All I can do to explain to you readers is that I was, in a way... under the influence... of love.
I know, gag me.
But I was under the influence of the idea of talking and even if that didn't happen I was at least near him in a confide circle with him. Anyway this desion had happen before I had ever came up with the resolution and getting over Boy Who Walked Away. So of course that day I was paying the price for my actions and ultimately my opinions, tendency to voice them out, and that big red fat arrow pointing down on me that says Victim on it that only Boy Who Walked Away can read!!!
Back to scene: My AP classmates eagerly go and find the people in our reading groups and line up the chairs in little circles having at most five people in each. In my circle, other then Boy Who Walked Away and I, are three girls, lets call them... Strawberry, Glasses, and Blue Eyes and one boy, let's call him BOB.
Strawberry: So guys who liked the book? She flips her Strawberry blond hair.
Glasses: Heh. It was alright.
Blue Eyes: It was kind of confusing but okay, I guess I'm just sort of indifferent.
Strawberry: Me, too.
BOB: I really liked it, actually.
Strawberry looks at Boy Who Walked Away who is right next to him. He's wearing a dark gray Polo, jeans, and flip-flops he wears almost everyday (so I've noticed, sue me!). He's seated in a relaxed, imposing position with his arms crisscrossed against his chest that I could imagine a king of a mighty land could pull off. Strawberry: So what about you, (insert his name here)?
Boy Who Walked Away: (Makes a bit of a face.) I hated it. It was completely a waste of not only my time but of everyone elses time that had to read this god for saken book!
I should mention my mouth had begun on the pretence of forming a disbelieving O by this point and my eyes had become involuntarily shrewd-like. I don't care who the person is if anybody bashes a book that I really took a delight in reading right in front of my like that I will not be afraid to speak my mind. Oh shall had keepith thou mouth shut and haveth become invisible.
Strawberry caught my look and possibly remembering how much I had told her while reading the book how I really liked it, asked me next for my opinion of the book.
Strawberry: Have anything to say to that, (insert my name here)? DO you want to say anything against (Boy Who Walked Away)?
I should have said no and maybe I would have if not for Boy Who Walked Away had looked straight at me where I was sitting right next to him (he moved his desk next to me! I did not desk stalk him!) and give me a smirk-grin that reminded me a little creepily of It Started with A Kiss Zhi shu when he thinks Xiang Qin is just a little dimwit with nothing to say and no guts to speak against him then Boy Who Walked Away leaned against his chair with both arms relaxing under his head and said,
Boy Who Walked Away: Yes, (insert my name here) what do you think?
That's when I the sheep puffed up with all the pride I had and blew it in the face of the lion He Who Walked Away.
Me: I really liked reading this book, actually. I said with a bit of a prissy tone.
Boy Who Walked Away: Really? (one eyebrow up the other down)
Me: Yes, really.
Boy Who Walked Away challenged me: Okay, why did you like it so much?
Me: I loved the way the words just flew out of the page... in a continuous stream.
Boy Who Walked Away interrupted: She complained too much.
Me: She was trying to get her point across... and to tell you the truth the way many of the women in Muslim societies are treated like -like property!- is a point that should not be taken light-
BOB: You're a feminist, aren't you?
Me: A little bit, I guess. Especially when I'm passionate about something in particular-
BOB: Yeah, you seem like it...
Boy Who Walked Away said to BOB: Shut up. You're not in this.
Everyone in the group besides myself and Boy Who Walked Away gape at him.
Boy Who Walked Away: One of the other things that also annoyed me: She blamed her religion for almost everything! I was like: Really?! Are you serious!? This woman is unbelievable!
Me: She was at a lost for most of her life! ...Religion can seriously mess up a person if pressured too much! I felt connection to her while reading this book... be-because-because I also have felt doubts of G-God and the devil-
Boy Who Walked Away: Her story was incredibly too long!
Me: But-!
Boy Who Walked Away: It put me to sleep and I for one hope I never have to meet her one day because surely I would have to slap some sense into her and for having me read her terrible novel!
Me: But-!
Boy Who Walked Away: And what was with that mother of hers?! Letting herself being beaten by her mom. Hell, if my mother ever did that to me-
Me frustrated: (insert his name here) I can't believe you!
We were both yelling (he, letting his overbearing, arrogant self unleash and me, just a loud speaker)and the whole class including the teacher had stopped talking amongst themselves and were now staring at me and Boy Who Walked Away fight. My teacher, in fact, was looking clearly amused and a bit fascinated. The woman probably had never seen two teenagers get into such a heated fight over a book before.
Finally the teacher announced that all the groups were to write together a summary of the book they read and read it to the rest of the class that didn't read it. Our group managed to do this while Boy Who Walked Away kept contradicting my opinions and making me flustered and more frustrated the more. No matter what happen between us I would always become a weak minded sort around him and he knew he was weakening my stance on the book but I refused to let him win so I kept on fighting him.
Once we finished the summary that was very short and did not do the book justice whatsoever Strawberry asked all of us who wanted to go up in front of the class and read it.
Glasses: Ugh. Not me.
Blue Eyes: I rather not.
Strawberry: Well I don't want to do it.
BOB: I'll do it!
Strawberry, Glasses, Blue Eyes: NO!
Strawberry: You were in detention for the past three weeks during school-
Glasses: I doubt you read the whole book, BOB.
BOB shrugs.
Boy Who Walked Away: Whatever, I'll do it. (Takes the paper with summary from Strawberry.
Strawberry: Uh, NO. Definitely not you. (Takes the paper back)
Boy Who Walked Away: What? Why not?
Strawberry: You've spent the whole class hour telling everyone how much you hate this book.
Blue Eyes: You'll probably end up forgetting about the summary and go up there and start bashing the book.
Boy Who Walked Away: That's ridiculous.
Me: I'll do it if no one is going to do it.
Strawberry: Okay. (She gives me the paper)
I start to get up but then feel a hand on my shoulder pulling me down into my chair. It's his hand.
Boy Who Walked Away: Oh no way! If I can't go up there she can't go up there! That's completely unfair!
Strawberry: I think it's safe to say that (insert my name here) is more reliable than you, (insert his name here).
Boy Who Walked Away: Biased!
Strawberry: No your biased!
Boy Who Walked Away: Yes, and (insert my name here) is, too!
BOB: I said I'll do it!
Boy Who Walked Away and Strawberry: NO!
It was right around that time that I snuck away from Boy Who Walked Away's vision and hurried to the front of the classroom to give our group's summary.
When Boy Who Walked Away noticed he stood up as well and then...
Crossed him arms against his chest like an imperial lord...
And then...
Leaned against the wall facing adjacent to where I was standing...
Just like he used to do in freshmen year.
Always, always at the beginning of class he did this and would do it throughout class if our teacher in ninth grade didn't tell him to sit. I haven't seen him do this in any of the two classes I have with him so this was the first time he did this for a while.
At that instant I felt like I was in ninth grade again. When these kind of scenarios weren't so rare and completely surprising.
I wanted so badly to walk over to him and slap him for reminding me of the old days... and then I wanted to kiss him for just the same reason.
Thankfully I still have some tiny grip to reality enough to not ever do that!
After swallowing the hard clump is my heart I began to read under his shrewd gaze. I made a point to reading every single word and not add anything to it just in case Boy Who Walked Away noticed and tried using that for material for another fight. Once I was finished the teacher, obviously thinking about my and Boy Who Walked Away's fight earlier asked me then:
Teacher: So, do you have anything to add to the book. Was there anything you liked about the book, hated... what?
This woman wanted me killed.
I began repeating the reasons to her of what I told my group and mostly Boy Who Walked Away.
That was when Boy Who Walked Away started shaking his head at me from across the room.
He was just so distracting! Finally before I could finish saying all my reasons I got aggravated enough to throw up my arms and say:
Me: DO you have something to add to the book, (insert his name here)?
Boy Who Walked Away: (Grinning and smirking.) Absolutely.
Me: Go ahead then!
I made my way across the room and right next to him where my chair was but instead of sitting I chose to stand up and look at him condescendingly with my arms crossed, too. A minute passed by before I became distracting to him when I started to shake my head at his views.
But like always he was much smarter and clever.
He stopped in mid-sentence on his rant...
Turned his whole body to look at me...
And said...
Boy Who Walked Away: You. (He pointed at me with his finger even though I was right next to him.) You sit down. (And then pointed at my seat.)
Me: (Speechless with my mouth agape.)
Classroom: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
I push him. And grudgingly sit down with no worthy comeback.
And now we haven't really talked since.
But today we got new assigned seats and somehow... in Fate's dimented mind... Boy Who Walked Away sits in back of me now!
Fate just doesn't want me to get over him even whenever I have such an appealing new crush now...
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE!

I got a car.
I got a car.
I got a car!
I GOT A FREAKEN CAR, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heh, who would have thought.
Just two weeks ago I got into a very heated argument with my father in the car, and like usual when my dad and I are alone in a confined space. I bring of the C word.
Car, not the other word.
Every time I bring of the fact that I am a teenager who is car-less my dad and I enact world war 3 with me crying hysterically and him pretty much saying my car will end up like my siblings past cars (which he paid for most of them), in the car graveyard. That's when the water works start to come because everyone who knows me and my sibling know that I am nothing like them but my dad -who in a way doesn't really know me (language barrier)- cannot believe my promises that I most likely not end up crashing my car like some senseless teenager. What i see is my dad continually stereotyping me for my age as well as my gender. When my older siblings were my age they were the definition for senseless teenager, in fact I can already see their picture with beers in their hands and possibly my douche of a brother praying to the porcelain god wearng smudged up makeup and a mini skirt.
I actually do have a picture that I could lend to Webster.
They partied at clubs when they were still underage as well as drank and considered C's on report cards as the best they could do.
I am nothing like that. But does my dad see that? NO. And can I accept that? NO.
As I have seemed to witness recently I am a strong believer in my rights as a human being, not so much of considering to be a politician because politics disgust me, but to the point that I let my injustice speak, practically sing out of me when I feel rightly wronged, especially if I am passionate about the subject. And I've been waiting for my car for almost two years, I was as passionate as anybody could get.
So I cry because in a way I know my father and he and I share certain aspects of our personality which is stubbornness and at the time I believed my dad would never get me a car.
This is where I felt I was rightly wronged, because my being the total opposite of my siblings also means that I do care about my grades and my future. I never get in trouble at school, I am a freaken homebody who reads for fun, I have never done drugs or drank alcohol and I am still a virgin. Most parents would kill to have their teenager share the same history as me. I do this mostly by choice because admittedly I do sort of put myself on a pedestal and the last person I want to disappoint is myself but I still thought at the time that I deserved a car.
No, wait... not just a car but my freedom. To a teenager cars are not just a piece of metal with a motor and wheels but a passport to freedom which most of the time they do abuse the freedom. Which my dad thought. He knows that all in all besides my occasional hysteria I am a good kid but he thought everything would just go down hill for me if I got behind a wheel and went crazy in the teenage sense. But that was never my plan, car does mean freedom for me, freedom from my parents, my house, my childhood. Except it does also mean I finally get to find a job which leads to having my own money so I can buy what I want and not have to ask my parents for this and that. I also won't have to inconvenience them with my errands. I also need to grow up.
Let's face it, I am going to collage in the very near future (year and a half) and if I am forced to go to a school out of state with no experience of the outside world I am going to fail in life. My parents have me pampered and sheltered and other kinds of verbs and frankly I need to get a reality check because I am not going to be living with them after I graduate. I harbor too many aspirations to resort ending up like my older sister who still lives with us.
I need to grow up!
I also need to be away from my mother whenever she's in one of her moods.
I tell my dad this concluding it all with slamming the front door with a extra hard bang when we finally get home. My dad orders me never to do that and I retort that considering how I feel and his actions concerning my mother whenever he and my mother get mad... I have every right to slam a door.
Finally he says, If you think having a car is going to make everything perfect than I'll get you a car!
Oh, right. I was sick of the argument. You'll get me a car, SOON! And went into my room.
I said soon because this had been the word my dad usually used when discussing the time when I would finally get a car, so I was mocking him the only way I (as nothing like a rebel child) could end the argument with a sort of satisfaction.
But my dad surprised me, the next week my mom called me from her work and said I should start looking for a car because they were going to buy me one.
I started crying again I was so happy.
I guess persistence is key.
My father bought me a dark jade new beetle which I named The Bubble or Kuwaii(Japanese for cute). I guess all the waiting wasn't such a waste because ever since I was a little girl I wanted a new beetle!
Now, homecoming. You know the game, the parade, that dance? I didn't go to my last one sophomore year but when I asked one of my best friends if she might want to go she said, "Sure, it will be fun." This was surprising for me because she was the reason why I didn't go last time because I knew I wouldn't have any fun without her and she hardly cares for dances but she said she would go and I didn't have to convince her like past dances. What was even more surprising was when my other best friend said she would go to. Her parents are pretty strict and they don't like the idea of her near guys at night but she asked (pleaded?) and they eventually gave her permission to go to the dance. It was fun for the most part. I danced like I was alone with the door closed, minus a few booty shakes because I didn't want any guys staring, and had a good time with my two best friends I was called beautiful by two of my guy friends and I surprised my ex best friend with me dance moves.
Though eventually I did get stabbed in the toe which left me handicapped for the rest of the night (Long story with me cursing my own heels and yelling "Shit!" on the dance floor. During the time I was sitting at one of the tables with my friends the song "You're Hot and You're Cold" by Katy Perry came on and I started singing to it because this song reminded me of my crush from my last entry (boy who walked away).
And now here's the evidence that the universe likes to see me suffer.
Right when I started to sing along to Katy Perry I see my long lived crush for the first time that whole night.
At least for what I could see he didn't have a date but just to get on the universe's nerves I continued to sing up and loud to Katy Perry's words until by the end of the song, he disappeared. Admittedly, I didn't care if he heard me sing along to the song (it's weird with us, he has no problem with grabing my hand in the midst of comparing to his friends these two books our reading group's book and another reading group's book. With one of his hands holding the smaller book and the other holding my hand which is holding the bigger book. When he did this I was frozen stiff, he was so close if I had turn my head and tilted my head just a few centimeters forward I could have kissed him but instead i pulled my hands away from my edition of the novel and let him hold it to compare the size of the two. I didn't want him to touch me). For all I was concerned he could have not have existed. You see, for over the past few weeks I have been focusing most of my attention on this one guy (the same guy I mentioned in one of my past posts) and pretty much I have been trying me hardest to put forth my feeling on him than on the boy who walked away. In a way I am not solving anything with shifting my feelings onto a new guy (well not so much new I've liked him foe a while) but right now... what can I do. I'm starting to talk to this guy and I think I have a chance with him if we get to know one another better. Who knows...
After Homecoming my friends and I all convinced my parents to find the nearest burger place so we could get something to eat because our school was too cheap to get anything to eat for the dance besides a water cooler and we were starving. All night, in the back of my mind I couldn't once stop thinking about food.
Hey, I only had a freaken lean pocket after I woke up that day. Could anybody really blame me?

Me and My Usual Craziness

I smell like dog.
I've spent three hours with a bunch of dogs and puppies for this dog adoption Petsmart was having in my city. I volunteered to walk and play with the dogs for volunteer hours for a club at my school. It was fun hanging out with friends and I only managed to step on a little piece of poo the whole time there.
On recent update: Summer has passed which I spent for two weeks in Mexico half in the cute tourist city of Puerto Vallarta and the other half in my grandparent's small town in the country which I got to bring my best friend with me and two girl cousins of mine who are close in age also went.
I've spent about a month or so in school so far and here's my schedule:
Ceramics 1
AP Language and Composition
AP Environmental Science
Choir
Algebra 2
AP World History
That's right, count them, I'm in three AP classes. Originally I was only going to be in one which was AP Language and Composition because I assumed it would help for what I would plan on majoring in once I was in college, which it will... if it doesn't totally ruin me and my spirit for writing in the process. Yet once I was at in enrollment I became too overly cocky when I thought about how my A in U.S. history never budged and then came to the conclusion that I would transfer into AP World History than take regular World History. Why the hell not? I asked myself rhetorically. Later after school started I was later convinced by a few friends that I should also transfer into AP Environmental Science instead of regular Environmental Science and seeing as how i was only one of the three juniors in my class, the rest being sophomores I decided that I would indeed switch into the notoriously easy AP class that was filled with more juniors and seniors than sophomores. No offense to 10Th graders all and all.
And in conclusion: AP Environmental is an okay class that I have a barely there A in yet I shall admit this now that AP World, after my first quiz in the first weekend of school, swiped that smug little grin off my face and answered my mainly rhetorical question at enrollment: Why the hell not? Answer: Because life isn't all "Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows", sorry Leslie Gore. But then again it is "my party and I'll cry if I want to". But I am glad to tell you that after two F's and one D on a quiz I am finally beating the system. I got a C this last Thursday and I have no doubt that later I am going to be making A's.
I mean I need to be making A's this year, I have no choice. Junior year is the year colleges are going to be mainly looking at because that's the last completed year a person has finished when colleges are accepting them in senior year. Plus, after my calculations of my grades I would need to make straight A's this year and my senior year to at least have a 3.3 GPA.
Ha, how funny that the number 3 is my life number in numerology.
Ha.
On other news: I finally spoke to the boy that broke my heart in freshman year. Only took a year and one month to do it. I think that deserves a round of applause, I mean that's quicker than never, right? And believe me... never was a definite possibility.
It was yesterday at school after my sixth hour class of AP World History which I shared with him and AP Language & Composition (tell you that complicated story later) and after two weeks of avoiding each other quite awkwardly I finally, agonizingly, spoke to the boy. I was in the hall outside my classroom, he was a few people behind me, alone, with no friends hanging around to discourage me and so I chose to slow my pace to snail-like speed until he was close to my side. My heart was beating rapidly, my brain wouldn't stop rambling things like, Do it! Just do it! Open your mouth and do it!!!! He can't ignore you forever and you can't ignore him forever either! Do it! For Lord's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, and I also felt light headed for the most part.
But then I did it, I spun over to face him and said in a very high voice, my little girl voice that I usually use for adults I don't know or know that well and when I'm shy, "Hi, (insert his name here)!" With a bright smile on my face.
I was smiling to cover the fact that this was one of the most mortifying things I have ever done in my life so far.
I admit I caught the poor boy off guard and had sucky timing as well because he was on the phone then and about to make a call. "Uh, hi..." He managed to respond to me, a surprised expression on his face.
And then, because my damned overly politeness I harbored, not wanting to interrupt his call, I left it at that and resumed my way towards the disgusting school buses that my parents insist on making me use as transportation to getting home because sadly I still don't have my car.
Once I had gotten on the bus and found a seat with an underclassmen I mumbled, imagining that I was talking to him, "Was it as awkward for you as it was for me?," my imaginary crush then answered, "Yes, it certainly was."
I stared gloomily out the window the rest of the ride to my house.
Later that night I went with my friend to my school football game that they were having against my school's arch rival. For hell's sake we both wrote our school's mascot's name on our cheeks and for the first time I got into the game and screamed and clapped and danced when we made a touchdown with the rest of my high school. I don't know what got into me last night. Maybe it was the energy raging within the crowd, maybe it was the Powerade I was downing during the game (the concession had no more water and I didn't stand in a mob of sweaty people and a tall boy's butt against my stomach that was in front of me the majority of the time for Lord knows how long, for nothing) or maybe it was the two cute Chinese exchange students that I was looking at and were also looking at me that gave me that energy. All I know is that I reached a higher octave in my voice when I was yelling. A senior boy painted in our school colors in front of me on the bleachers turned around after one very high and long one and looked at me in bewilderment for a second before yelling, YEAH! and high fiving me in the process.
Huh, who knew being part of the crowd could be so fun?
After my school won and my friend and I were getting into my mom's car a group of the other school's students were yelling to no one particular that my school was stupid and that their school was still the best. I was on such a high I rolled down my window and called out to them, "U suck!" this was funny because the school involved the letter U because the school's name put much definition in the first letter of their school name. They had a giant U on their football field, too.
That was really weird for me to do, what was evev weirder, though, was that my mom called out similar things, too, to them.
Well, that's a story to tell my future kids if I ever have any.

The EOI's are coming! The EOI's are coming!

Ah, the EOI's. For those of you that don't know what they are let me bear the pleasure on informing you. The EOI's are a series of tests that my school takes over several courses that starting in my year everyone has to pass in order to graduate and be able to harbor a parking space in senior year.
So you can imagine the many freakouts in my school over these tests.
The EOI's are generally easy to say the least on the subject yet just the shear possibility that anyone could fail it if ill prepared scares the bejesus out my upper middle-middle class school. I personally can admit to contributing on this said "freakout". So in order to have high test scores and not have their students go through a meltdown my school holds classes after school in order to review for these notorious examines.
And of course because I'm just a natural goody goody that actually gives a crap about her being able to graduate (and being able to have a car space senior year) I attend these Review sessions. I usually pass these state examines but because I have a horrible teacher in Geometry I am forced to work extra hard in the Review class, especially considering the fact that even though for some the class is meant for as a review of what we have supposed to have already learned... it actually my first time really working on the material.
So you can imagine my intense (and very reasonable) fear of bombing my Geometry EOI and having to take it again next year!
But do you know the real actual reason why I thought my thoughts in this said subject were so vital I just needed to blog it?
It's the people that were in the classroom that the Review sessions were being held.
First let me tell you my school harbors a very vast large amount of students and there are a lot of people taking Geometry but only like close to 20 people attend each class. I only saw one guy from my own Geometry class attend which was kind of surprising because I had no idea this guy gave a crap about his grades but he is an athlete and I guess he just doesn't want to retake the test again next year.
And the Teacher that reviews the material with us is just superb, when I didn't know how to plug in a problem for a trigonometry question and she personally when through it step by step and made sure I understood completely I just about got on my knees and kissed her feet and cried, "Where have you been all my life?!?! I think I love you!!!"
I didn't, of course. Mainly because I don't want the woman to get a restraining order on me because (God, bless the woman!) she also teaches Algebra 2 and I am so going to request for her in junior year. I'm just a bit sad that I didn't have the luck to get her for a Geometry teacher sophomore year as well...
But still I know for a fact that there will be many people from my class that will not pass the EOI and are probably not going to get there senior parking spot.
I just think that it's just really sad to think that there are many teenagers that don't care and only think of the now and here instead of the future.
I guess that's just one of the many of things that separate myself from the average kids in my school.
Because I know that my future is bright and no matter what happens I will always contain the perseverance to not give up and keep charging on to my ultimate dream: of becoming a famous author and seeing the world.
I know I sound retarded but it's true and I just felt like letting it out.

Freaking Out!!!

I'm at a serious lost right now. I am slowly and steadily freaking out with my grades right now. I have 7 more weeks of school and my grades are like this:
Pre-AP English: C+
Spanish: B
Stagecraft: A
U.S. History: A
Geometry: C
Astronomy: B
I had an A in Pre- AP English Lit. now because I got a C on my last persuasive essay... a C on a discussion group... and a C on a vocab quiz. I have a 79 in the class. I AM PISSED OFF. I need an A in that class. I mean I'm planning on majoring in some type of Literature and I'm going to be in AP Lang. in junior year which is incredibly hard.
All I can say is I'm in deep shit.
Not to mention there is no way in hell that i will be able to raise that C in Geometry because the teacher is just plain a horrible teacher.
As for Astronomy I think I can raise it to an A by the end of the semester and as well as Spanish if I really knuckle down.
I know for a fact my A in History and Stagecraft won't be going anywhere. Yet my goal for the end of this second semester was to have all As. I can't help but feel a bit discouraged by how much my grades are suffering. At least to my standards.
I really want to get into a great liberal arts college and my greatest fear right now is to look stupid in front of everyone and not go to college. I want it, I can almost taste it... but will I only ever imagine going to college? I'm a struggler through life, always have been. In weight, in social interacting with my peers, and academically. When I was younger I was a bright kid, a smart one. But in middle school I sort of let more then my personal life fall but also my grades. I just didn't care and now I'm suffering the consequences because I let my brain go into mush back in the day. My best friends are almost straight A students. One of my best friends has only one B and the rest are straight A's and my other best friend has two B's and the rest are of course straight A's. It seems like I'm always trying to catch up to them but then get even more behind once I think I seem even a little closer on their level. They both tell me I'm doing great and applying myself but still I'm freaking out. I wish every class was like History. I mean all you need to do to achieve an A is read the text book, which I do and I haven't had anything lower then an A all year. Yet Pre-AP English doesn't have a text book and you can't really read a Geometry text book (doesn't matter we have only opened a text book in that class twice!).
It sucks and I'm trying, right now all I can do is hope my best is good enough to at least bring that C in Geometry and Pre-AP English to a B.
Did I mention I have terrible luck?